I've been thinking a lot about our IVF plans lately and I am starting to freak out. I am sure that is normal, but its just such a huge thing and I don't know how I will handle it if it doesn't work. I've been so focused on getting the money to actually do IVF that I hadn't even really thought about the possibility of it not working. But now I have been reading statistics and making myself worry. I had really been hoping that once we are able to do it that it would be a sure thing. But if it fails, I don't know what we will do. I am not sure I can handle more than one IVF. Plus, I don't want to waste all of my inheritance. I probably have enough to do 3 cycles, but I don't want to spend it all. I am so torn about the other options (donor sperm or adoption) that I don't know what we would do. I am just freaking out right now.
I also have been super emotional the past few days. I just found out one of my good friends is pregnant. I am so happy for her but I am so jealous, she got pregnant on their first try, on their honeymoon. It makes me sad that almost everyone I know who got married after me is already pregnant. Also, my coworker who was dealing with MFI who got pregnant once they gave up trying had a miscarriage. I feel so awful for her. I can't even imagine.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
Completely Unexpected...
My great grandmother passed away a couple weeks ago. She was 100 years old! She was such a great lady and will be missed.
What does this have to do with this blog? Surprisingly, a lot. My mother had always told me that I would be getting a small inheritance when my great grandma passed away. Today I had lunch with my mom and it turns out, great grandma had a lot more money set aside for all of us than we thought. Over 5 times more, which is more than I make in a year! Definitely enough to pay for IVF, even more than one if necessary, and even still have enough left for adoption if we have to go that route. I am hoping to only take out a $15,000 savings bond and keep the rest.
This also presented the perfect opportunity to tell my mom that we will be having to do IVF (S has already told his parents). I didn't tell her what exactly our diagnosis is, only that IVF is our only option. She did not seem entirely shocked at this news, I think she suspected we were having trouble since we have been trying for almost 2 years now.
I would still like to continue to lose weight before we proceed with IVF to be as healthy as possible when we do it. I think the plan will be to do it before the end of 2011. Its nice to have a goal in mind and hopefully that will help me ramp up my weight loss. I can't believe this is really going to happen this year!
What does this have to do with this blog? Surprisingly, a lot. My mother had always told me that I would be getting a small inheritance when my great grandma passed away. Today I had lunch with my mom and it turns out, great grandma had a lot more money set aside for all of us than we thought. Over 5 times more, which is more than I make in a year! Definitely enough to pay for IVF, even more than one if necessary, and even still have enough left for adoption if we have to go that route. I am hoping to only take out a $15,000 savings bond and keep the rest.
This also presented the perfect opportunity to tell my mom that we will be having to do IVF (S has already told his parents). I didn't tell her what exactly our diagnosis is, only that IVF is our only option. She did not seem entirely shocked at this news, I think she suspected we were having trouble since we have been trying for almost 2 years now.
I would still like to continue to lose weight before we proceed with IVF to be as healthy as possible when we do it. I think the plan will be to do it before the end of 2011. Its nice to have a goal in mind and hopefully that will help me ramp up my weight loss. I can't believe this is really going to happen this year!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Ugly green monster
I have found myself to be extremely jealous lately. I am having a hard time feeling happy for ANYONE who gets pregnant. Even friends and family, and this makes me feel like such a horrible person but I can't help it. One of my friends just got married a couple weeks ago and said she thinks she was ovulating on her honeymoon and wonders if she will get pregnant right away. I found myself hoping she doesn't. Who does that? I obviously don't want her to have problems but I am so sick of everyone I know getting married and pregnant right away.
I have a coworker who was also dealing with MFI, only much less severe than ours. She was facing secondary infertility as they got pregnant with her first with no problem. They did several IUIs which failed and then decided to take a break and got pregnant on accident. Seriously?!? That kind of crap is stuff you hear about, it isn't supposed to really happen. I am so jealous because I know nothing like that will ever happen to me.
I will never be able to surprise my husband with a positive pregnancy test. Heck, I really never need to take a pregnancy test again, once we are able to do IVF they will do bloodwork to determine pregnancy. I will never be able to have sex with my husband and get pregnant. Instead of enjoying our lives we have to worry about finances and saving money for IVF. I feel like I will never be able to be happy for someone who gets pregnant unless they have been through at least what I have been through. IF has stolen so much from us.
I have a coworker who was also dealing with MFI, only much less severe than ours. She was facing secondary infertility as they got pregnant with her first with no problem. They did several IUIs which failed and then decided to take a break and got pregnant on accident. Seriously?!? That kind of crap is stuff you hear about, it isn't supposed to really happen. I am so jealous because I know nothing like that will ever happen to me.
I will never be able to surprise my husband with a positive pregnancy test. Heck, I really never need to take a pregnancy test again, once we are able to do IVF they will do bloodwork to determine pregnancy. I will never be able to have sex with my husband and get pregnant. Instead of enjoying our lives we have to worry about finances and saving money for IVF. I feel like I will never be able to be happy for someone who gets pregnant unless they have been through at least what I have been through. IF has stolen so much from us.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Weight loss progress and more thoughts on using a donor
Well, the good news is that I am making progress with my weight loss. I have lost 31 pounds and my BMI is officially below 40, which is where I need to be for IVF. My goal is to have a BMI below 30 by the time we would do it and I have 56 more pounds to go to hit that point (yikes, I know!). But since we need to save money I have plenty of time to do it in.
S and I talked more today and currently we are leaning more toward waiting to do IVF. I expressed my concerns to him about him just wanting to do what I want and he assured me that is not it. His main concern is the money issue. We are thinking of maybe saving up for half and financing the rest. His insurance is great (once pregnant) so once I get pregnant we only will have to pay a few small copays and the rest is completely covered, including the hospital stay, so we would be able to pay back whatever we had financed pretty quickly during that time.
He is afraid if we do donor sperm now and save up for an IVF in a couple years that we won't want to take that financial risk once we have a child. I can completely see his point in that. Especially since I want to go part time once we have a baby. We will only try IVF once though, if it doesn't work then we will definitely move on to donor sperm.
We haven't made a sure decision yet, but we are thinking about the options. This is all so hard!
S and I talked more today and currently we are leaning more toward waiting to do IVF. I expressed my concerns to him about him just wanting to do what I want and he assured me that is not it. His main concern is the money issue. We are thinking of maybe saving up for half and financing the rest. His insurance is great (once pregnant) so once I get pregnant we only will have to pay a few small copays and the rest is completely covered, including the hospital stay, so we would be able to pay back whatever we had financed pretty quickly during that time.
He is afraid if we do donor sperm now and save up for an IVF in a couple years that we won't want to take that financial risk once we have a child. I can completely see his point in that. Especially since I want to go part time once we have a baby. We will only try IVF once though, if it doesn't work then we will definitely move on to donor sperm.
We haven't made a sure decision yet, but we are thinking about the options. This is all so hard!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Big decisions to make! Torn...
Last night S and I were talking and he said something that I never thought I would hear. He is starting to think we should go ahead with donor sperm rather than go through IVF. I was blown away. I am not really sure how I feel about that. I told him we need to think about what we will decide. I am afraid he want to do it for the wrong reasons, that he thinks he is failing me and thinks this will make me happier.
I know he is worried about the money. IVF will run us around $20,000 completely out of pocket. IUI with donor sperm is much less and I believe our insurance will cover the IUI, just not the donor part. It will take us at least another year to save up enough for IVF. If we do IUI we can do it now.
He says he doesn't care anymore about it being "his" biologically and he just wants to be a father. I am afraid one day he will resent the fact that we used a donor. I just don't know what to do. I was thinking maybe we could use a donor for our first child while we save up money for an IVF in a couple years for our second child. S is worried that if we wait too long he won't have any sperm, but we have to wait regardless due to saving up money.
I just don't know what decision to make. There are tons of pros to doing IUI: we can do it now, less cost, not as hard on my body. But I just don't know if I can do it. I want my husband's baby. I can't believe I am having to make a decision like this. Its not fair!!
I know he is worried about the money. IVF will run us around $20,000 completely out of pocket. IUI with donor sperm is much less and I believe our insurance will cover the IUI, just not the donor part. It will take us at least another year to save up enough for IVF. If we do IUI we can do it now.
He says he doesn't care anymore about it being "his" biologically and he just wants to be a father. I am afraid one day he will resent the fact that we used a donor. I just don't know what to do. I was thinking maybe we could use a donor for our first child while we save up money for an IVF in a couple years for our second child. S is worried that if we wait too long he won't have any sperm, but we have to wait regardless due to saving up money.
I just don't know what decision to make. There are tons of pros to doing IUI: we can do it now, less cost, not as hard on my body. But I just don't know if I can do it. I want my husband's baby. I can't believe I am having to make a decision like this. Its not fair!!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Screw you AF!
My period is now 2 weeks late. I almost went out and bought a pregnancy test today, just to see. I know it will be negative but I started to get my hopes up that maybe some miracle happened. I started cramping really badly while in the store. That's what I get for getting my hopes up. It still hasn't started yet, but I am sure it will soon. To make matters worse, now that its late, if it comes on time the next two months it will come right during our vacation. It would have worked out perfectly and now it will be right when I don't want it. I am so irritated!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Empty Arms
This post will be short and to the point. I wanted to share this video Empty Arms. I cried through the whole thing. It is a wonderful video and I hope one day I have the courage to share it with the people in my life who don't know what we are going through.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Today was more difficult than I thought it would be
As you all know, today is Mother's Day. I have tried to focus on my own mother and not think about the fact that I am not one but it has been difficult. My parents are out of town so I only got to talk to my mom on the phone. I have been at home all day just trying to hold the tears back. On top of that, I have been eating like I'll never get the chance to eat again. I'm talking doritos, brownies, KFC, etc.
I was supposed to work overnight last night into today but luckily I was able to be called off because we had more staff on than we needed. The last place I wanted to be today was on the mother baby unit. I've been trying to avoid facebook as well, almost every post is about Mother's Day. It is so difficult to be an infertile on Mother's Day, and it breaks my heart that we probably won't be any closer by next Mother's Day either.
I hate that this is my life now. I hate that I am so bitter. I hate that I am so jealous of everyone I know who is pregnant. I hate that every pregnancy announcement is like a knife in my chest. I hate that I have 5 or 6 friends getting married this summer and all I can think about is that they will all probably be pregnant before me. I hate that I want to cry every time I have to go to work because everyone there has what I cannot have. I hate that we have to save up almost $20,000 just to try something that most other people can do for free. I hate that my husband feels like he is letting me down. I freaking hate IF!
I was supposed to work overnight last night into today but luckily I was able to be called off because we had more staff on than we needed. The last place I wanted to be today was on the mother baby unit. I've been trying to avoid facebook as well, almost every post is about Mother's Day. It is so difficult to be an infertile on Mother's Day, and it breaks my heart that we probably won't be any closer by next Mother's Day either.
I hate that this is my life now. I hate that I am so bitter. I hate that I am so jealous of everyone I know who is pregnant. I hate that every pregnancy announcement is like a knife in my chest. I hate that I have 5 or 6 friends getting married this summer and all I can think about is that they will all probably be pregnant before me. I hate that I want to cry every time I have to go to work because everyone there has what I cannot have. I hate that we have to save up almost $20,000 just to try something that most other people can do for free. I hate that my husband feels like he is letting me down. I freaking hate IF!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
If you wonder where I have been...
I'm still here! Not much going on with the infertility stuff right now. If you want to see what I have been up to, check out my other blog One Pound at a Time. I am really trying to take this time to lose the weight while we start to save up the money for IVF. One thing I do need to do sometime soon is to set up an appointment with the financial coordinator at the RE clinic to determine prices and what our options are. I'm hoping to do that in the next few weeks, I have been kind of putting it off because I don't want to think about it.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Coping with Infertility - A Celtic Prayer
Gracious God, we long for a child and find our hearts shaved of hope
as month after month we go childless.
The love we have to give and share with a child fills us to the brim,
but that love seems thwarted when our longing is not fulfilled.
Look with tenderness on us, O God.
Let the disappointment that hangs over us be lifted by the joy of your touch.
Give us the patience that will re-build hope
as we wait for the fullness of our love in the high calling of parenthood.
We ask this for the sake of your love. Amen
as month after month we go childless.
The love we have to give and share with a child fills us to the brim,
but that love seems thwarted when our longing is not fulfilled.
Look with tenderness on us, O God.
Let the disappointment that hangs over us be lifted by the joy of your touch.
Give us the patience that will re-build hope
as we wait for the fullness of our love in the high calling of parenthood.
We ask this for the sake of your love. Amen
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Bringing this over from my weight loss blog...
This is a post from my weight loss blog but it really goes along with all of this IF stuff so I decided to repost it here as well.
My ultimate goal with this weight loss journey is to lose enough to be able to get pregnant. We have known for a few months now that we are dealing with infertility. We are waiting for one more test to come back but otherwise it is fairly certain we will have to do IVF. (ETA: That test came back, and we will definitely have to do IVF)
Yesterday was our first visit with the fertility clinic. I know that being obese can make pregnancy more difficult and it can cause difficulties with the IVF itself. I want to be as healthy as possible before we do IVF so it has the best chance at working because we are paying for it entire out of pocket (our insurance does not cover IVF) and it has a price tag of $15,000 - $20,000 each try.
He said ideally a BMI below 30 is what they like to see, which is out of the obese category. I have a long way to go to get to that point so he said I really want to be at least in the 30s. My current BMI is 41. When I started this journey my BMI was 45 so I am down 4 points so far.
To get below 40 I need to lose 8 more pounds (232 pounds).
To get below 35 I need to lose 37 more pounds (203 pounds).
To get below 30 I need to lose 66 more pounds (174 pounds).
Since we have to pay for IVF ourselves we probably won't be able to try until the end of this year at the very earliest. That gives me at least 36 more weeks to lose this weight. If I want to lose 65 pounds by then, that is a loss of just under 2 pounds a week. This is 100% doable if I just stick with it.
He suggested a low carb low sugar type of diet. I definitely think I need to do a diet overhaul. I am not willing to give up certain foods because I know myself and that will just set me up for a binge, but I can make smarter choices. Even though I have been doing weight watchers and sticking to my points, I have not been eating well. I eat whatever I want as long as I don't go over my points. Honestly, that is what I love about the plan. But I need to make a few adjustments.
I can start eating whole wheat bread and pasta instead of white. I won't give up potatoes but I can eat them less often. I also need to eat more veggies and fruits. These are hard for me because I am an extremely picky eater. This is another thing I need to work on. The last thing I am going to do is cut down on my soda drinking and drink more water. I drink tons of water at work but when I am at home I drink diet soda. I gave soda up completely a couple years ago no problem but somewhere along the way started back up again. I only drink diet but its still not good for you!
I am going to slowly incorporate these changes into my diet so hopefully I can stick with them. I just need to keep my eye on the prize: a baby for me and my husband
My ultimate goal with this weight loss journey is to lose enough to be able to get pregnant. We have known for a few months now that we are dealing with infertility. We are waiting for one more test to come back but otherwise it is fairly certain we will have to do IVF. (ETA: That test came back, and we will definitely have to do IVF)
Yesterday was our first visit with the fertility clinic. I know that being obese can make pregnancy more difficult and it can cause difficulties with the IVF itself. I want to be as healthy as possible before we do IVF so it has the best chance at working because we are paying for it entire out of pocket (our insurance does not cover IVF) and it has a price tag of $15,000 - $20,000 each try.
He said ideally a BMI below 30 is what they like to see, which is out of the obese category. I have a long way to go to get to that point so he said I really want to be at least in the 30s. My current BMI is 41. When I started this journey my BMI was 45 so I am down 4 points so far.
To get below 40 I need to lose 8 more pounds (232 pounds).
To get below 35 I need to lose 37 more pounds (203 pounds).
To get below 30 I need to lose 66 more pounds (174 pounds).
Since we have to pay for IVF ourselves we probably won't be able to try until the end of this year at the very earliest. That gives me at least 36 more weeks to lose this weight. If I want to lose 65 pounds by then, that is a loss of just under 2 pounds a week. This is 100% doable if I just stick with it.
He suggested a low carb low sugar type of diet. I definitely think I need to do a diet overhaul. I am not willing to give up certain foods because I know myself and that will just set me up for a binge, but I can make smarter choices. Even though I have been doing weight watchers and sticking to my points, I have not been eating well. I eat whatever I want as long as I don't go over my points. Honestly, that is what I love about the plan. But I need to make a few adjustments.
I can start eating whole wheat bread and pasta instead of white. I won't give up potatoes but I can eat them less often. I also need to eat more veggies and fruits. These are hard for me because I am an extremely picky eater. This is another thing I need to work on. The last thing I am going to do is cut down on my soda drinking and drink more water. I drink tons of water at work but when I am at home I drink diet soda. I gave soda up completely a couple years ago no problem but somewhere along the way started back up again. I only drink diet but its still not good for you!
I am going to slowly incorporate these changes into my diet so hopefully I can stick with them. I just need to keep my eye on the prize: a baby for me and my husband
Fertility Blend
Since we are currently on hold until we can save up enough money for IVF, S and I are trying to get healthier. One thing we decided to try is starting S on Fertility Blend for men. It is a combination of vitamins that is supposed to help with count and motility. We figure it can't hurt and might help. We know it won't change the fact we will have to do IVF but are hoping it will increase the count and quality some.
Earlier this year I had him taking several individual vitamins for about 3 months between his first and second SA's, and it did seem to help some. Even though his count is still extremely low, it did triple from the first to the second (50K to 175K) so we figured we might as well try while we are waiting. We are also trying to eat better, drink less caffeine, and exercise more.
Earlier this year I had him taking several individual vitamins for about 3 months between his first and second SA's, and it did seem to help some. Even though his count is still extremely low, it did triple from the first to the second (50K to 175K) so we figured we might as well try while we are waiting. We are also trying to eat better, drink less caffeine, and exercise more.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Infertility ABC's
I've seen this on a few of the blogs I follow so I figured I'd do it too!
A - Age at Which you Started TTC: 25
B - Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex
C - Children Wanted: Originally we wanted 2-3, but now will be happy with one or twins
D - Dogs/Cats/Fill In Babies: We have a beagle mix named Lily
E - Essential Oils/Vitamins: I take a prenatal vitamin; I started S on Fertility Blend for Men today
F - Fertility Meds I've Taken: None so far, but we will be doing IVF so there will be plenty coming!
G - Gain, What I have Gained from Infertility: It has brought me and my husband closer together
H - HSG: Nope, since we have to do IVF it just seems like a waste of money
I - Infertile Pet Peeve: That neither of our insurances cover IVF!
J - Job Title: Registered Nurse
K - Kids Names you are Afraid will be Taken: Emma and Brady are our top choices, and we will use them regardless if anyone else does
L - Lengh of Time TTC - 20 months so far
M - Miscarriages: None, I have never been pregnant
N - Number of Times you have Swiched REs: We've only seen one and we don't really have any other options in our area
O - Overian Quality: Good as far as I know
P - POAS or Wait for AF: I usually wait for AF and only test if its late. When we do IVF I will wait for the beta
Q - Quote from an Obnoxious Fertile: "why don't you just have sex" when talking about IUI
S - Sperm: Extremely low count and zero motility
T - Time you Tried Naturally - 14 months before going to my OB for some initial testing, but technically we still are trying naturally until we can afford IVF, even though there is pretty much 0% chance that will happen
U - Uterus Quality: Good
V - Vagina: I have one
W - What Baby Stuff do you Already Have: Nothing, I am too paranoid to buy anything
X - Xtra, Xtra, Hear all about it! How many people know about your TTC Journey: Several of my coworkers, and now most of S's family knows. My family just knows we've been trying a while but don't know the full extent. We will probably tell them closer to when we are going to do IVF
Y - Yearly Exam: I need one, I am behind because my OB just said we would do it when I got pregnant.
Z - Zits: Ever since going off birth control I've been getting them again
A - Age at Which you Started TTC: 25
B - Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex
C - Children Wanted: Originally we wanted 2-3, but now will be happy with one or twins
D - Dogs/Cats/Fill In Babies: We have a beagle mix named Lily
E - Essential Oils/Vitamins: I take a prenatal vitamin; I started S on Fertility Blend for Men today
F - Fertility Meds I've Taken: None so far, but we will be doing IVF so there will be plenty coming!
G - Gain, What I have Gained from Infertility: It has brought me and my husband closer together
H - HSG: Nope, since we have to do IVF it just seems like a waste of money
I - Infertile Pet Peeve: That neither of our insurances cover IVF!
J - Job Title: Registered Nurse
K - Kids Names you are Afraid will be Taken: Emma and Brady are our top choices, and we will use them regardless if anyone else does
L - Lengh of Time TTC - 20 months so far
M - Miscarriages: None, I have never been pregnant
N - Number of Times you have Swiched REs: We've only seen one and we don't really have any other options in our area
O - Overian Quality: Good as far as I know
P - POAS or Wait for AF: I usually wait for AF and only test if its late. When we do IVF I will wait for the beta
Q - Quote from an Obnoxious Fertile: "why don't you just have sex" when talking about IUI
S - Sperm: Extremely low count and zero motility
T - Time you Tried Naturally - 14 months before going to my OB for some initial testing, but technically we still are trying naturally until we can afford IVF, even though there is pretty much 0% chance that will happen
U - Uterus Quality: Good
V - Vagina: I have one
W - What Baby Stuff do you Already Have: Nothing, I am too paranoid to buy anything
X - Xtra, Xtra, Hear all about it! How many people know about your TTC Journey: Several of my coworkers, and now most of S's family knows. My family just knows we've been trying a while but don't know the full extent. We will probably tell them closer to when we are going to do IVF
Y - Yearly Exam: I need one, I am behind because my OB just said we would do it when I got pregnant.
Z - Zits: Ever since going off birth control I've been getting them again
Friday, April 22, 2011
Frustrated and hurt
Forgive me if this post is a bit scattered, my feelings are pretty raw right now. I just have to get this out.
Yesterday S had a long drawn out phone conversation with his mother. We don't live in the same state as the rest of his family so we don't see them very often. A little background on the discussion: S and I are going to Vegas in August. The main purpose of this vacation is to get away before we have to deal with IVF. Originally I thought it would be just us, but S told my parents and his sister and brother in law they could come if they wanted. I was somewhat upset about this at first because I had been planning on it just being us, but I got over it.
Then his mom tells us she and his step dad want to come too. Which would be fine but they were going to be watching our nephew who will be about 11 month old at the time of the trip. When S asked her about it she just said they would bring him with. Both S and I are not okay with that. First, who brings a baby to Vegas? Its smoky, nasty, and in August will be unbearably hot. Second, this vacation is to get away from all things baby. I am a postpartum nurse, I deal with babies every single day I work. Its so difficult I am considering looking for a new job. The last thing we want is to be around a baby when we are taking this vacation not to think about IF.
S told his sister we would rather they didn't bring the baby for the first reason I listed. She said they would make it work. He told her we wanted an adult vacation, she didn't care. So he finally told her about the IF reason and she flipped out, saying its her baby and she will bring him where ever she wants. You might remember from a previous post that my SIL and BIL also dealt with MFI, they tried for two years and were on their last chance of IUI's before trying IVF when they got pregnant with our nephew. So you would think she would have a little compassion for our situation, but no. How quickly she seems to have forgotten what it was like. I do understand that her world now revolves around her son, I do. But I wish she would try to see where we are coming from.
After this all went down, my parents ended up not being able to come and SIL and BIL backed out because they have another vacation to visit BIL's daughter (from a previous relationship) and claim they cannot afford both.
So anyway, back to yesterday. S confronts MIL that he knows BIL and SIL are lying about being able to afford it and MIL says its true. She says we hurt BILs feelings when we originally said we didn't want nephew to come (before anything even came out about the IF). Apparently we hurt him because his son is his world. They didn't want to tell S because he is "too sensitive".
Now they are claiming that apparently I don't love our nephew. WTF. Its complete BS. We only see them two or three times a year and apparently when we were down there last I didn't hold him enough for their liking. Even though when we do go down there they don't really let us hold him. BIL actually was whining once when I wanted to hold him that he hadn't gotten to hold him yet. So how is that my fault?
I have social anxiety so its hard for me to be around them anyway. They do not make anything easy on me and are constantly judging me. Nothing I do is good enough for them. S is LIVID. We make so many sacrifices for them. This Vegas vacation is the only vacation we have ever taken besides our honeymoon. All other vacation time is spent going down to see his family. They NEVER come up to see us. S has lived here for 11 years and his sister has come up twice, and once was for our wedding. We go down there twice a year. This year I will have to work extra weekends just so I can get the time off to go down there. They have no trouble taking their own vacations, but when we try to get them to come see us they won't.
The irrational side of me want to say fine, maybe we don't have to come down over Christmas anymore. I'd be okay with a Florida vacation that time of year instead. F*ck it. I clearly don't love my nephew anyway so why bother spending Christmas with them. Or maybe we can't afford to make the trip down to see them, since we have to save up about $20,000 for IVF now.
I am so pissed off right now. I can't even think straight. Right now I am just glad they live so far away so I don't have to deal with them on a regular basis. Maybe I am overreacting but they seriously crossed the line with us.
Yesterday S had a long drawn out phone conversation with his mother. We don't live in the same state as the rest of his family so we don't see them very often. A little background on the discussion: S and I are going to Vegas in August. The main purpose of this vacation is to get away before we have to deal with IVF. Originally I thought it would be just us, but S told my parents and his sister and brother in law they could come if they wanted. I was somewhat upset about this at first because I had been planning on it just being us, but I got over it.
Then his mom tells us she and his step dad want to come too. Which would be fine but they were going to be watching our nephew who will be about 11 month old at the time of the trip. When S asked her about it she just said they would bring him with. Both S and I are not okay with that. First, who brings a baby to Vegas? Its smoky, nasty, and in August will be unbearably hot. Second, this vacation is to get away from all things baby. I am a postpartum nurse, I deal with babies every single day I work. Its so difficult I am considering looking for a new job. The last thing we want is to be around a baby when we are taking this vacation not to think about IF.
S told his sister we would rather they didn't bring the baby for the first reason I listed. She said they would make it work. He told her we wanted an adult vacation, she didn't care. So he finally told her about the IF reason and she flipped out, saying its her baby and she will bring him where ever she wants. You might remember from a previous post that my SIL and BIL also dealt with MFI, they tried for two years and were on their last chance of IUI's before trying IVF when they got pregnant with our nephew. So you would think she would have a little compassion for our situation, but no. How quickly she seems to have forgotten what it was like. I do understand that her world now revolves around her son, I do. But I wish she would try to see where we are coming from.
After this all went down, my parents ended up not being able to come and SIL and BIL backed out because they have another vacation to visit BIL's daughter (from a previous relationship) and claim they cannot afford both.
So anyway, back to yesterday. S confronts MIL that he knows BIL and SIL are lying about being able to afford it and MIL says its true. She says we hurt BILs feelings when we originally said we didn't want nephew to come (before anything even came out about the IF). Apparently we hurt him because his son is his world. They didn't want to tell S because he is "too sensitive".
Now they are claiming that apparently I don't love our nephew. WTF. Its complete BS. We only see them two or three times a year and apparently when we were down there last I didn't hold him enough for their liking. Even though when we do go down there they don't really let us hold him. BIL actually was whining once when I wanted to hold him that he hadn't gotten to hold him yet. So how is that my fault?
I have social anxiety so its hard for me to be around them anyway. They do not make anything easy on me and are constantly judging me. Nothing I do is good enough for them. S is LIVID. We make so many sacrifices for them. This Vegas vacation is the only vacation we have ever taken besides our honeymoon. All other vacation time is spent going down to see his family. They NEVER come up to see us. S has lived here for 11 years and his sister has come up twice, and once was for our wedding. We go down there twice a year. This year I will have to work extra weekends just so I can get the time off to go down there. They have no trouble taking their own vacations, but when we try to get them to come see us they won't.
The irrational side of me want to say fine, maybe we don't have to come down over Christmas anymore. I'd be okay with a Florida vacation that time of year instead. F*ck it. I clearly don't love my nephew anyway so why bother spending Christmas with them. Or maybe we can't afford to make the trip down to see them, since we have to save up about $20,000 for IVF now.
I am so pissed off right now. I can't even think straight. Right now I am just glad they live so far away so I don't have to deal with them on a regular basis. Maybe I am overreacting but they seriously crossed the line with us.
Normal :(
The hormonal test they did on S came back normal. Which means we have no known reason for his MFI. It also means now we have to start saving up for IVF. I should have never gotten my hopes up.
Monday, April 18, 2011
RE Appointment
This morning we met with Dr Y at the fertility clinic in town. It went fairly well, luckily we were pretty sure what he was going to say so nothing came as a shock to us. He is doing one more hormonal test on S and if that comes back abnormal there is medication he can take to try and fix it. If it comes back normal then we are looking at IVF with ICSI as our only option. He also said we might need to consider using testicular sperm depending on how things look when the time comes. That is a surgery for S, and although he is willing to do it I don't want to unless we have to. He also talked about the option of donor sperm but we told him we want exhaust all other options first.
We should have the test results on Thursday. I am praying it comes back abnormal and the medication can fix the problem. Otherwise we are officially labeled unexplained MFI and on to saving money like crazy so we can do IVF.
I am pretty proud to say I didn't cry at this appointment! :)
We should have the test results on Thursday. I am praying it comes back abnormal and the medication can fix the problem. Otherwise we are officially labeled unexplained MFI and on to saving money like crazy so we can do IVF.
I am pretty proud to say I didn't cry at this appointment! :)
Nervous
In just a few hours we have our first RE appointment. I am extremely nervous. Last night S and I were talking about it and of course I was crying. I love him so much, he is so optimistic that things will be ok. He did confide in me that he is worried that he will be letting me and my parents down if we can't get pregnant. I only have one sister and she has three boys and is done. My parents really want a granddaughter so we are their only hope for that. I hate that he worries about this. I tell him all the time that I don't blame him but I know he blames himself. This is just all so hard.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Sorry
I want to apologize for my last blog entry. I was so upset and it just all came out. I've had time to chill out and realize its not the end of the world. We do have options. We don't know what the RE will say, maybe there are things they will try before IVF. Honestly I am lucky to have any insurance coverage at all. And if we do have to do IVF, we will just have to save up for it. It might just take longer than we had planned. Or we could always finance part of our IVF. Things are not going as I had hoped but they could always be worse.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
F*ck.
Well, I finally got around to calling my insurance company. They don't cover IVF, which is most likely our only option. F*ck. We cannot afford IVF right now and it will probably take us close to a year to save up for it. I feel so defeated. I am praying that we will find out we have more options than I think come our appointment on Monday with the RE.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Down in the dumps
I am in a major funk. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I have been so crabby and moody the past few weeks. I feel awful for my husband because I am sure I suck to be around right now. Every day I have to go to work I completely dread it. I don't feel like being around anyone. Yesterday I was so crabby I decided to hang out alone in bed rather than be out in the living room with S. I just want to hide out somewhere and cry. I've been avoiding people as much as possible. I am freaking out over little things that really shouldn't bother me so much.
I even actually have some things to be proud of for once and all I can see is the negative. I have lost 23 pounds but I don't feel like I look any different and I still have so much more to lose that it doesn't even feel like a dent in the total number. I look at myself and I am disgusted. We have recently paid off a lot of debt, but I am so stressed about money all the time and the remainder of our debt and upcoming expenses related to IF. I feel like we will never be ahead.
Our first RE appointment is in a week and I am extremely nervous about it. I have no idea why, I feel like I know what to expect. I want to get things moving. But I am afraid. I am afraid they will find more things wrong. I am afraid they will tell us we have no options. All this time I have held out hope that even though our diagnosis is bad, at least we can do IVF. What if that isn't a possibility?
I feel like I am dangling by a thread and I am going to snap in a big way. I really need to pull myself together.
I even actually have some things to be proud of for once and all I can see is the negative. I have lost 23 pounds but I don't feel like I look any different and I still have so much more to lose that it doesn't even feel like a dent in the total number. I look at myself and I am disgusted. We have recently paid off a lot of debt, but I am so stressed about money all the time and the remainder of our debt and upcoming expenses related to IF. I feel like we will never be ahead.
Our first RE appointment is in a week and I am extremely nervous about it. I have no idea why, I feel like I know what to expect. I want to get things moving. But I am afraid. I am afraid they will find more things wrong. I am afraid they will tell us we have no options. All this time I have held out hope that even though our diagnosis is bad, at least we can do IVF. What if that isn't a possibility?
I feel like I am dangling by a thread and I am going to snap in a big way. I really need to pull myself together.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
ABC Survey
This post has nothing to do with IF but I am bored so I am posting it anyway :)
A. Age: 27
B. Bed size: Queen
C. Chore you hate: Sweeping and scrubbing the floors
D. Dogs: I love them! We have a beagle-mix named Lily
E. Essential start to your day: Breakfast! Otherwise I get lightheaded
F. Favourite colors: Blue and purple
G. Gold or silver: White gold
H. Height: 5' 4"
I. Instruments you play: I can play the piano, clarinet, and drums
J. Job title: Registered Nurse
K. Kids: Hopefully someday soon
L. Live: Life to its fullest
M. Mom’s name: Candy
N. Nicknames: None currently, used to be Nellie
O. Overnight hospital stays: None unless you count working overnights :)
P. Pet peeve: People who are lazy at work!!
Q. Quote from a movie: "What's with today, today?" Empire Records
R. Right or left handed: I'm a righty
S. Siblings: One sister, older
T. Time you wake up: When I work about 4-5pm. When I don't work it varies greatly
U. Underwear: Bikini style
V. Vegetable you dislike: Peas
W. What makes you run late: My husband!
X. X-Rays you’ve had: Back, right foot, chest, teeth
Y. Yummy food you make: Chicken alfredo and scalloped potatoes with ham are my specialties
Z. Zoo- favourite animal: Frogs
A. Age: 27
B. Bed size: Queen
C. Chore you hate: Sweeping and scrubbing the floors
D. Dogs: I love them! We have a beagle-mix named Lily
E. Essential start to your day: Breakfast! Otherwise I get lightheaded
F. Favourite colors: Blue and purple
G. Gold or silver: White gold
H. Height: 5' 4"
I. Instruments you play: I can play the piano, clarinet, and drums
J. Job title: Registered Nurse
K. Kids: Hopefully someday soon
L. Live: Life to its fullest
M. Mom’s name: Candy
N. Nicknames: None currently, used to be Nellie
O. Overnight hospital stays: None unless you count working overnights :)
P. Pet peeve: People who are lazy at work!!
Q. Quote from a movie: "What's with today, today?" Empire Records
R. Right or left handed: I'm a righty
S. Siblings: One sister, older
T. Time you wake up: When I work about 4-5pm. When I don't work it varies greatly
U. Underwear: Bikini style
V. Vegetable you dislike: Peas
W. What makes you run late: My husband!
X. X-Rays you’ve had: Back, right foot, chest, teeth
Y. Yummy food you make: Chicken alfredo and scalloped potatoes with ham are my specialties
Z. Zoo- favourite animal: Frogs
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Happy Birthday to me
Well today is my birthday, 27 years old. If I could have one wish for my birthday this year it would be that I be pregnant by my next one. Please God let this be our year!
Myths and Facts about the big IF
April 24-30 is National Infertility Awareness Week. Here are some myths and facts regarding infertility I pulled from RESOLVE.
Myth: Infertility is a women's problem.
Fact: This is untrue. It surprises most people to learn that infertility is a female problem in 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up.
Myth: Everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.
Fact: More than 7.3 million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. When you seek support, you will find that you are not alone. Join RESOLVE, a support group, or talk with others who are struggling to build a family, so that you won't feel isolated.
Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!
Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.
Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.
Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.
Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!
Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.
Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!
Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. But choosing how to build your family is a very personal decision. Learning about all the ways to build a family can open your eyes to options you may not have thought of as a possibility. Education is key to finding resolution.
Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!
Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.
Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility.
Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.
Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!
Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.
Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.
Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.
Myth: I shouldn't take a month off from infertility treatment for any reason... I just know that this next month will be THE one!
Fact: It is important periodically to reassess your treatment and your parenting goal. Continuity in treatment is important, but sometimes a break can provide needed rest and renewal for the next steps.
Myth: I'll be labeled a 'trouble maker' if I ask too many questions.
Fact: The physician/patient team is important. You need to be informed about what treatments are available. What is right for one couple may not be right for another, either physically, financially, or emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask questions of your doctor.
A second opinion can be helpful. If needed, discuss this option with your physician.
Myth: I know I'll never be able to stop treatment until I have a pregnancy.
Fact: Pregnancy is not the only pathway to parenthood. You may begin to think more about parenthood than about pregnancy. You may long for your life to get back to normal. You may consider childfree living or begin to think of other ways to build a family.
Myth: I've lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same!
Fact: Infertility is a life crisis -- it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences.
Myth: Infertility is a women's problem.
Fact: This is untrue. It surprises most people to learn that infertility is a female problem in 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up.
Myth: Everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.
Fact: More than 7.3 million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. When you seek support, you will find that you are not alone. Join RESOLVE, a support group, or talk with others who are struggling to build a family, so that you won't feel isolated.
Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!
Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.
Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.
Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.
Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!
Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.
Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!
Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. But choosing how to build your family is a very personal decision. Learning about all the ways to build a family can open your eyes to options you may not have thought of as a possibility. Education is key to finding resolution.
Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!
Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.
Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility.
Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.
Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!
Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.
Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.
Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.
Myth: I shouldn't take a month off from infertility treatment for any reason... I just know that this next month will be THE one!
Fact: It is important periodically to reassess your treatment and your parenting goal. Continuity in treatment is important, but sometimes a break can provide needed rest and renewal for the next steps.
Myth: I'll be labeled a 'trouble maker' if I ask too many questions.
Fact: The physician/patient team is important. You need to be informed about what treatments are available. What is right for one couple may not be right for another, either physically, financially, or emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask questions of your doctor.
A second opinion can be helpful. If needed, discuss this option with your physician.
Myth: I know I'll never be able to stop treatment until I have a pregnancy.
Fact: Pregnancy is not the only pathway to parenthood. You may begin to think more about parenthood than about pregnancy. You may long for your life to get back to normal. You may consider childfree living or begin to think of other ways to build a family.
Myth: I've lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same!
Fact: Infertility is a life crisis -- it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Baby Showers
Something I am sure any infertile woman dreads is the baby shower. I recently went to one for my cousin who is due next month. I honestly tried to think of an excuse as to why I couldn't come, but decided to buck up and just go. I handled myself well. God must have been watching out for me because no one asked me if I was next or the typical questions like that. I even sat there and listened to my cousin, my sister, and another cousin talk about how they all got pregnant on the first try. Must be freaking nice! Luckily no one else I know is currently pregnant so no more baby showers for a while!
The next day my mom and I went out for brunch. Now, I haven't told her any of what we are going through. She knows we have been trying for a while and I wonder if she suspects we are having troubles because she will mention people she knows who have dealt with IF or articles she has read, etc. When we were out to brunch she asked if its hard for me to go to baby showers when we are trying to get pregnant. I wanted to say yes but I couldn't. I don't want to come across as bitter and jealous (even if I really am!). I really need to tell my family what we are going through, but I have no idea how to go about it! I keep putting it off. Right now I think maybe once we meet with the RE and have a plan we will tell them. It would be nice to have their support but I also don't want to put them through what we have been through.
Infertility sucks!!
The next day my mom and I went out for brunch. Now, I haven't told her any of what we are going through. She knows we have been trying for a while and I wonder if she suspects we are having troubles because she will mention people she knows who have dealt with IF or articles she has read, etc. When we were out to brunch she asked if its hard for me to go to baby showers when we are trying to get pregnant. I wanted to say yes but I couldn't. I don't want to come across as bitter and jealous (even if I really am!). I really need to tell my family what we are going through, but I have no idea how to go about it! I keep putting it off. Right now I think maybe once we meet with the RE and have a plan we will tell them. It would be nice to have their support but I also don't want to put them through what we have been through.
Infertility sucks!!
Friday, April 1, 2011
Appointment is set
For the RE that is. S's urologist finally set us up with the referral to the fertility clinic and we will be going on April 18th. I am extremely nervous. Now that we know how difficult it will be for us ever to get pregnant due to S's problem, I am just praying that there is no problem with me as well. I have held off on further testing on me while we tried to figure out what was going on with S, but now we will have to continue my testing. In my mind I am thinking that if there are no problems with me that IVF should work for us. I don't know what makes me think that, obviously we need to wait and see what the RE says about our situation.
I do have an insurance question if anyone knows the answer. S is not on my insurance. His insurance does not cover infertility. Mine does. Since it is his Dr that referred us to the RE, will everything be denied? Since we will probably have to do IVF that will be under my insurance, right? Do I need to get a referral from my Dr to continue my testing with the RE (or does his referral work for both of us)? I plan to call my insurance company next week but I thought I'd see if anyone has any experience with this type of thing. I am kicking myself for not putting him on my insurance! My insurance sucks otherwise and we thought it would be best to not bother putting him on mine. I am on both mine and his thankfully.
I do have an insurance question if anyone knows the answer. S is not on my insurance. His insurance does not cover infertility. Mine does. Since it is his Dr that referred us to the RE, will everything be denied? Since we will probably have to do IVF that will be under my insurance, right? Do I need to get a referral from my Dr to continue my testing with the RE (or does his referral work for both of us)? I plan to call my insurance company next week but I thought I'd see if anyone has any experience with this type of thing. I am kicking myself for not putting him on my insurance! My insurance sucks otherwise and we thought it would be best to not bother putting him on mine. I am on both mine and his thankfully.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I knew this would happen
Yesterday I was checking S's insurance website to view our claims. The claims for the most recent round of testing came through and they were all denied. That's over $1400 of testing. Testing that the financial woman at the clinic stated she got approved. S called and she gave him the proper codes and is having him call the insurance company to follow up so hopefully it will get straightened out but I have a feeling we will end up having to pay it. It makes me so mad though because we were told it was approved. We might not have done the expensive tests if we had known they might not have been approved. It is just so frustrating. We have already paid close to $1000 for testing not including this current $1400 and we still are no closer to any answers or getting pregnant.
We also got the last of the test results in, all negative. So we have absolutely know idea why we are dealing with MFI. I just wish we had an answer! I hate that "sometimes these things just happen" is our reason for not being able to have children naturally. We still haven't been to the RE and honestly I am thinking of waiting a bit. I just can't take more bad news and I am to the point where I am no longer expecting any good news.
I am so down in the dumps today. I am ready for a vacation. I just need to get away from it all and stop thinking about it! August cannot come soon enough.
We also got the last of the test results in, all negative. So we have absolutely know idea why we are dealing with MFI. I just wish we had an answer! I hate that "sometimes these things just happen" is our reason for not being able to have children naturally. We still haven't been to the RE and honestly I am thinking of waiting a bit. I just can't take more bad news and I am to the point where I am no longer expecting any good news.
I am so down in the dumps today. I am ready for a vacation. I just need to get away from it all and stop thinking about it! August cannot come soon enough.
Another blogger award!
- Thank and link back to the person who gave me this award. G at My Ramblings presented me with the award. Thanks so much!
- Share 7 things about yourself
- Award other bloggers (you determine who and how many)
- Contact these blogs and tell them about the award
Now for 7 things about myself:
~I have severe social anxiety. I even have anxiety talking to family and friends. The only person I am 100% comfortable talking to is my husband, and I love him so much for that.
~I treat my dog like she is my child. I don't know what I will do once we have children, I worry about how that will effect her.
~I watched all 6 seasons of Lost during an 8 day stretch off work a few weeks ago :)
~All my life I wanted to be a doctor or a surgeon. The reason I am not is because of my first thing in this list
~I cannot sleep unless I am laying on my stomach, and I have to have an extremely flat pillow. I do not understand how people can sleep with more than one pillow or fluffy pillows.
~I used to be anorexic, though you could never tell by looking at me now. I went from one obsession (not eating at all) to the extreme opposite (compulsive overeating). I am currently trying to find some balance in my life. I have a very compulsive personality.
~I have never had a pedicure
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Maybe we'll never know
We got more of S's blood test results back today. They were testing for chromosomal/genetic issues. The results were all normal. Which is great news, of course. We are still waiting for one more test to come back. However, this all has gotten me thinking, maybe we will never find an answer. S has hoped all this time that there will be a reason he has MFI that can be fixed. I have been less optimistic, as I tend to be pessimistic by nature. But as each and every test result comes back normal I am really starting to believe we will never know why this is happening. As much as I didn't think we would be able to fix the problem, I was hoping for a reason to all this. Some sort of explanation as to why we have to go through all this. I just want to understand.
Our Dr is out of town for the rest of the week but we are hoping to get the rest of the results when he gets back. S also asked the nurse to have him set us up with the fertility clinic finally. I am ready to move on and truly find out what our options are.
Our Dr is out of town for the rest of the week but we are hoping to get the rest of the results when he gets back. S also asked the nurse to have him set us up with the fertility clinic finally. I am ready to move on and truly find out what our options are.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
People are stupid
This post is a vent, so take that as a warning.
I was at work last night and a fellow coworker and I were discussing our infertility treatments and plans. She also is dealing with MFI and is getting ready for her third IUI. We were discussing IUI and IVF. Another coworker was there with us and said "Can't you guys just have sex?"
Really?! So THAT is what we have been doing wrong. I had no freaking idea you had to have sex in order to get pregnant. We'll have to try that this month. I thought everyone paid around $20k just to have a baby. Who knew all we had to do was have sex. Or get drunk and have sex, which is what she did. I wanted to smack her across the face but just chose to ignore it since we were at work and just said that it doesn't work that way for some people. I hate people.
I need a freaking drink.
I was at work last night and a fellow coworker and I were discussing our infertility treatments and plans. She also is dealing with MFI and is getting ready for her third IUI. We were discussing IUI and IVF. Another coworker was there with us and said "Can't you guys just have sex?"
Really?! So THAT is what we have been doing wrong. I had no freaking idea you had to have sex in order to get pregnant. We'll have to try that this month. I thought everyone paid around $20k just to have a baby. Who knew all we had to do was have sex. Or get drunk and have sex, which is what she did. I wanted to smack her across the face but just chose to ignore it since we were at work and just said that it doesn't work that way for some people. I hate people.
I need a freaking drink.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Time to fork over the cash
We got our first bill from the urologist this week. First of many, since everything we have done so far has been denied by his insurance. I know all this testing is necessary but I almost want to just skip it and go straight to IVF. I feel like there is going to be nothing we can do to change our diagnosis so why bother? I guess I am just being pessimistic. Maybe they will find something that is fixable and we won't have to go through IVF. I refuse to get my hopes up. Even though no one has officially said it yet, I am currently believing that IVF will be our only option. S seems to be still holding out hope that they will find an answer for us. He had more testing done today. The financial worker at Dr M's office called and said they cleared it with his insurance, but I am still worried about it because I know they are expensive tests. We won't have the results for a while because they need to be sent out to a different lab.
In other news, we are planning a mini vacation to Vegas this summer! We plan to wait until after that to pursue IVF so we can both fully enjoy it. One last good time before we are completely broke. It also gives me 5 more months to lose weight before then, in addition to the 15 pounds I have lost so far. Its nice to have something to look forward to for once.
In other news, we are planning a mini vacation to Vegas this summer! We plan to wait until after that to pursue IVF so we can both fully enjoy it. One last good time before we are completely broke. It also gives me 5 more months to lose weight before then, in addition to the 15 pounds I have lost so far. Its nice to have something to look forward to for once.
Blogger Award
I got my first award! From Jen at Discovering Joy in the Storm. She is a fellow blogger dealing with MFI. Here is how the award works:
1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers.
4. Contact the bloggers and tell them about the award.
Seven (random) things about me....
~ I've never broken a bone, had a surgery or even a single stitch, and never been admitted to the hospital as a patient
~ I hate talking on the phone and will avoid it if at all possible
~ I feel like the area of nursing I am currently in is causing me to lose a lot of the skills I learned in college
~ I am an extremely picky eater, and hate things normal people love such as pizza
~ I have nightmares or bad dreams pretty much every time I fall asleep and wish there was a pill or something I could take to keep from dreaming
~ I love to play instruments and have played the piano, drums, flute, clarinet, saxophone, and trumpet. I also love to sing and had a scholarship in college for the choir
~ I am obsessed with the TV show Vampire Diaries
I am new to the blogging world so I don't know 15 blogs to give this award to, but here are the ones I do try to keep up with:
~ My Ramblings
~ Is it my turn yet?
~ Their Bun, My Oven
~ Trying to get a bun in my oven
~ The Glamorous World of IVF
~ The Gameplan: How to Make a Baby
~ Hoping for a Baby4678
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Color me surprised
S got a call from the urologist today, turns out his insurance will cover the blood tests they want to do! They haven't covered any of his testing so far so I am shocked. The tests they want to do are pricey so we probably wouldn't have been able to afford them otherwise. Finally a good piece of news for once! Apparently they are sending the information in the mail and once we get it S will go in for the test.
We are still waiting to see if they will cover the other tests they want to run on his SA and waiting to hear about our referral to the RE. Hopefully we hear back about those things soon!
We are still waiting to see if they will cover the other tests they want to run on his SA and waiting to hear about our referral to the RE. Hopefully we hear back about those things soon!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Happy Birthday!
Happy birthday to my amazing husband! He has been my rock through this all and I don't know what I would do without him. I love him so much!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Defeated
Yesterday we had the follow up with the urologist. He basically confirmed what we had already figured, the SA results were bad again. There is one more test they want to run but first they are trying to deal with our insurance to see if they will pay for it. We are pretty sure that they will not pay. Dr M is also referring us to the fertility clinic in town (MIF). Once we hear back from them we will set up our initial appointment. He also suggested we see the only urologist in the state who specializes in male factor infertility. The only problem is that this urologist is 2 hours away and I'm not sure its possible for us to get there with our work schedules.
I am hoping we get some better news when we meet with the Dr at MIF. Dr M did not seem very optimistic for us. I ended up losing it in the office, and that made S cry as well. The poor Dr had to comfort us. This is all just so difficult and overwhelming. I would love some good news or some glimmer of hope for once. This whole thing is making me feel so defeated. Why is something that people do every day so freaking difficult for us? What did we do to deserve this?
Dr M brought up the subject of donor sperm. This is something I've been avoiding talking about. I am honestly not sure how I feel about it and S isn't really sure about it either. I am hoping it ends up being something we don't have to consider, but we may have to eventually. S said if we had to he would want one of the men in his family donate. I honestly feel weird about that. I personally would rather have an anonymous donor. I feel like if it is someone we know we will always have that reminder. Plus, if we use a random donor, no one ever has to know. Hopefully if it ever comes down to that S and I can come to an agreement.
I am hoping we get some better news when we meet with the Dr at MIF. Dr M did not seem very optimistic for us. I ended up losing it in the office, and that made S cry as well. The poor Dr had to comfort us. This is all just so difficult and overwhelming. I would love some good news or some glimmer of hope for once. This whole thing is making me feel so defeated. Why is something that people do every day so freaking difficult for us? What did we do to deserve this?
Dr M brought up the subject of donor sperm. This is something I've been avoiding talking about. I am honestly not sure how I feel about it and S isn't really sure about it either. I am hoping it ends up being something we don't have to consider, but we may have to eventually. S said if we had to he would want one of the men in his family donate. I honestly feel weird about that. I personally would rather have an anonymous donor. I feel like if it is someone we know we will always have that reminder. Plus, if we use a random donor, no one ever has to know. Hopefully if it ever comes down to that S and I can come to an agreement.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
No news is bad news
The nurse from the urologist office finally called us back. She would not give us the specific results but simply said everything is low. Now we need to meet with Dr M again on Friday to figure out where to go from here. S said he just wants to move on to IVF and stop with all the testing and waiting. I would love to do this but I really want to lose weight before we do IVF. I'd like to lose 50 pounds and so far am down 13 pounds. Obviously we will have to see what Dr M says but I feel like we might as well try whatever he suggests to get better numbers in the meantime while I am losing the weight. After our appointment on Friday I will probably give the RE a call and set up an initial consultation with them. This sucks. We were both hoping the original SA results were a fluke, even though we knew the odds of that were small.
In addition to that, I hurt my back yesterday. No exercise for me for a few days and I had to take 2 nights off work. I currently have no PTO so that is two days unpaid. Which really sucks because we need to start saving money for IVF. On the plus side, I get to be on Vicodin which is lovely :) lol
In addition to that, I hurt my back yesterday. No exercise for me for a few days and I had to take 2 nights off work. I currently have no PTO so that is two days unpaid. Which really sucks because we need to start saving money for IVF. On the plus side, I get to be on Vicodin which is lovely :) lol
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Frustrated!
S had his repeat SA two weeks ago and we have not heard back with the results. We have called 3 times now and not received a call back. This is so frustrating! We can't do anything but wait. We had the results from the first SA my ob-gyn did in 2 days. This one went to the same lab so the results should be in. The urologist just hasn't called us back. I had been pretty impressed with them so far but now I am just ticked off.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
C25K
This week I started doing the C25K (couch to 5K) running program. Basically it starts you off with intervals of running and walking, increasing the running each week until you can run 30 minutes straight. I tried this program a month ago and pulled a muscle the very first day and was out of commission for several days. I felt like I was going to die the whole time too.
This time it was relatively easy! I must be getting in slightly better shape. I have done all 3 days this week, without stopping ever. I am not sure if I will move on to week 2 or do each week twice before moving on. I don't want to overdo it since I am so heavy. As of today I am down 8.2 pounds, but I won't "officially" weigh in until Monday.
In IF-related news, currently we are just waiting on the SA results from Thursday. The pamphlet says 2-3 working days so I am expecting they will be back Monday or Tuesday. I am very anxious to hear the results and meet with Dr. M again. Hopefully we will have a plan soon!
This time it was relatively easy! I must be getting in slightly better shape. I have done all 3 days this week, without stopping ever. I am not sure if I will move on to week 2 or do each week twice before moving on. I don't want to overdo it since I am so heavy. As of today I am down 8.2 pounds, but I won't "officially" weigh in until Monday.
In IF-related news, currently we are just waiting on the SA results from Thursday. The pamphlet says 2-3 working days so I am expecting they will be back Monday or Tuesday. I am very anxious to hear the results and meet with Dr. M again. Hopefully we will have a plan soon!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Bloodwork
Results are in for S's bloodwork. So far everything is normal, so now we just need to wait for the SA and semen fructose levels. We don't know the actual numbers yet, they just left us a message. I am glad to know that the tests are normal but we are still no closer to figuring out what is going on.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Slightly irritated with the husband
Well, I thought that S would be doing his 2nd SA today. And why would I think that? Couldn't be because he told me yesterday that he would. We had sex on Friday and I told him not to do anything else in case they wanted him to do his thing at his appointment yesterday. That would make today 4 days of abstinence, which is about right for the SA (the Dr said he would prefer 3-4 days).
This morning he gets home and has no intention of doing it today. He says he will do it Thursday. Big problem buddy, that will be more than 4 days, which will effect the results. Well apparently it won't, he couldn't keep his hands off himself so Thursday will be 4 days. I am so frustrated and irritated with him. I just want to get it done so we can get the results in and can figure out the game plan. He is in no hurry to get it done. I am trying to be understanding because I know this is hard on him, but its hard. He says he is willing to do whatever it takes. Then freaking do it!
I am also irritated that I told him not to do anything after we had sex on Friday but apparently he doesn't remember me saying that. Even if he didn't hear me, he KNOWS you need to abstain several days beforehand. A week ago he said he wanted to have at least 4 days to give the best sample possible.
We talked it out tonight so he knows how I feel. He told me he will do it tomorrow morning. Unfortunately he also needs to take his truck in for repairs in the morning so that probably won't work out either. So now we are looking at Thursday. If he doesn't take care of it on Thursday we might have a murder on our hands, lol. I know it is only a couple more days which is nothing in the grand scheme of things but I am just tired of all the waiting and don't want to drag it out even more than necessary. Plus, the lab only takes samples Mon-Thurs and nothing later than noon, so we are limited to when we can even do it.
I just want to get some answers so we can figure out a plan. Is that too much to ask??
ETA: I am fully aware I sound like a whiny brat in this post, but if I can't get it all out in my blog then where can I? :)
This morning he gets home and has no intention of doing it today. He says he will do it Thursday. Big problem buddy, that will be more than 4 days, which will effect the results. Well apparently it won't, he couldn't keep his hands off himself so Thursday will be 4 days. I am so frustrated and irritated with him. I just want to get it done so we can get the results in and can figure out the game plan. He is in no hurry to get it done. I am trying to be understanding because I know this is hard on him, but its hard. He says he is willing to do whatever it takes. Then freaking do it!
I am also irritated that I told him not to do anything after we had sex on Friday but apparently he doesn't remember me saying that. Even if he didn't hear me, he KNOWS you need to abstain several days beforehand. A week ago he said he wanted to have at least 4 days to give the best sample possible.
We talked it out tonight so he knows how I feel. He told me he will do it tomorrow morning. Unfortunately he also needs to take his truck in for repairs in the morning so that probably won't work out either. So now we are looking at Thursday. If he doesn't take care of it on Thursday we might have a murder on our hands, lol. I know it is only a couple more days which is nothing in the grand scheme of things but I am just tired of all the waiting and don't want to drag it out even more than necessary. Plus, the lab only takes samples Mon-Thurs and nothing later than noon, so we are limited to when we can even do it.
I just want to get some answers so we can figure out a plan. Is that too much to ask??
ETA: I am fully aware I sound like a whiny brat in this post, but if I can't get it all out in my blog then where can I? :)
Monday, January 17, 2011
Testing... 1, 2, 3
Today was S's appointment with the urologist. We were worried about getting there because of the roads and I did NOT want to have to postpone. Luckily the roads were fine and we got there 30 minutes early and got in immediately. How often does that happen? Lol. We met with Dr M. He was very nice, great bedside manner which helped ease my mind.
S got a physical exam and good news is that he confirmed what the previous Dr said, no variocele. So we can officially cross that off the list. Then we got to head off to the lab to get some blood drawn. After wandering around the ENTIRE hospital we finally were able to find the area for blood draws. Considering I work at the hospital you'd think I would know where this stuff is, but I don't. Poor S had 4 vials of blood drawn (luckily neither of us mind needles and the tech was very good). They are testing his FSH, LH, Prolactin, and testosterone. Apparently I need to do some more research because I thought the first three of those tests were things that only affected the woman's fertility.
We also got the lovely specimen container for another SA and he is also checking semen fructose level, which is another something I hadn't heard of. So much for thinking I was well educated in this area! S plans to do this tomorrow morning. Once we get all the results in we have to meet with Dr M to discuss them. More waiting.
We had a good talk on the way home. S doesn't like to talk about his feelings (with regards to this IF stuff anyway) so I am glad when we actually talk about this and he opens up a little. He feels like he has let me down. I reassure him that he isn't but its hard to convince him. He knows how badly I want to be a mom and hates that he can't give that to me. I hate it too but as I tell him, he is the most important person in my life. I would rather be with him and childless than without him. I also reminded him that we do have options. We don't even know what is going on yet so we need to stay hopeful.
In better news, I am down 6.6 pounds in two weeks! Slowly but surely. I wish that number was higher but I will take anything. I would like to be down at least 50 pounds before we do IVF (if we have to). I am proud of myself though, I exercised 6 out of 7 days this week and worked out twice one of those days to make up for the day I missed. I also counted my WW points every day and stuck with them every day. I only used 13 of the 35 "extra" points for the week too. The only reason I used the ones I did was because we went out to eat yesterday.
S got a physical exam and good news is that he confirmed what the previous Dr said, no variocele. So we can officially cross that off the list. Then we got to head off to the lab to get some blood drawn. After wandering around the ENTIRE hospital we finally were able to find the area for blood draws. Considering I work at the hospital you'd think I would know where this stuff is, but I don't. Poor S had 4 vials of blood drawn (luckily neither of us mind needles and the tech was very good). They are testing his FSH, LH, Prolactin, and testosterone. Apparently I need to do some more research because I thought the first three of those tests were things that only affected the woman's fertility.
We also got the lovely specimen container for another SA and he is also checking semen fructose level, which is another something I hadn't heard of. So much for thinking I was well educated in this area! S plans to do this tomorrow morning. Once we get all the results in we have to meet with Dr M to discuss them. More waiting.
We had a good talk on the way home. S doesn't like to talk about his feelings (with regards to this IF stuff anyway) so I am glad when we actually talk about this and he opens up a little. He feels like he has let me down. I reassure him that he isn't but its hard to convince him. He knows how badly I want to be a mom and hates that he can't give that to me. I hate it too but as I tell him, he is the most important person in my life. I would rather be with him and childless than without him. I also reminded him that we do have options. We don't even know what is going on yet so we need to stay hopeful.
In better news, I am down 6.6 pounds in two weeks! Slowly but surely. I wish that number was higher but I will take anything. I would like to be down at least 50 pounds before we do IVF (if we have to). I am proud of myself though, I exercised 6 out of 7 days this week and worked out twice one of those days to make up for the day I missed. I also counted my WW points every day and stuck with them every day. I only used 13 of the 35 "extra" points for the week too. The only reason I used the ones I did was because we went out to eat yesterday.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Off to a slow start
I lost 3.2 pounds this week. I suppose it is better than nothing and is a start, but I wish the number had been higher. S and I did very poorly on our diets over the weekend, and I know that is what did it. We did so well during the week and then ruined it. That is an area we definitely need to work on.
Only one more week until the appointment with the urologist. I am getting nervous!
Only one more week until the appointment with the urologist. I am getting nervous!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Goals
Since its New Year's Day I figured I would write about my goals for the year. I have two major goals for the year and both relate back to us trying to get pregnant.
Goal #1: To exercise and eat better
I have a lot of weight to lose. Considering the fact that we will probably have to do IVF to get me pregnant, I would like to be as healthy as possible when that occurs. I figure it will be several months before IVF is even a possibility so that will give me time to jump start my weight loss. I don't feel comfortable posting my actual weight, but my overall goal is to eventually lose 100 pounds. I will be happy with any loss though, because that will mean I am that much more healthy. S also needs to lose weight, and so we are going to work on this goal together. I am hoping that will make it easier for me.
Our plan: No more junk food in the house and watching our portions. S's downfall is chocolate and portions that are too large. My downfall is chips and snacking all day. I am going to use the Weight Watchers calculator on my phone and start counting points again. I lost 15 pounds this past summer doing that, so I know it works for me if I would just stick with it. I have since gained all that weight back. We also plan to start working out more. Since S will be on the same shift as me we plan to workout together when we get off work in the mornings.
Goal #2: To pay off our debt
We have a good chunk of credit card debt and two vehicle payments I am hoping to have paid off by the end of the year. If everything goes according to plan we should have the majority of the credit card debt paid off by May. Once that is all paid off we can start saving for IVF. I am not sure how much my insurance will pay toward IVF but I know we will need some savings. I really want our debt paid off before then though. It will be such a load off my mind having that paid off.
Our Plan: S gets a bonus in a couple weeks that will go toward two of the larger credit cards. I also hope to put $1K in savings so we have a little cushion if needed. I am doubtful that S's insurance will pay for much of his testing so we will need cash set aside for that. I am hoping our tax refund is about the same as last year and we will put that toward debt. S has another bonus coming in April and we hope to put our fence in with that and the remainder will go toward debt. In addition to those things, we put about $750-$1000 toward debt each month from our regular earnings. My car should be paid off by August and hopefully S's truck will be paid off by the end of the year. We are planning on getting another vehicle at the beginning of next year so it will be nice to have our other two paid off before that happens.
These goals will give me something to obsess over besides our IF, so that will be a nice change of pace :)
Goal #1: To exercise and eat better
I have a lot of weight to lose. Considering the fact that we will probably have to do IVF to get me pregnant, I would like to be as healthy as possible when that occurs. I figure it will be several months before IVF is even a possibility so that will give me time to jump start my weight loss. I don't feel comfortable posting my actual weight, but my overall goal is to eventually lose 100 pounds. I will be happy with any loss though, because that will mean I am that much more healthy. S also needs to lose weight, and so we are going to work on this goal together. I am hoping that will make it easier for me.
Our plan: No more junk food in the house and watching our portions. S's downfall is chocolate and portions that are too large. My downfall is chips and snacking all day. I am going to use the Weight Watchers calculator on my phone and start counting points again. I lost 15 pounds this past summer doing that, so I know it works for me if I would just stick with it. I have since gained all that weight back. We also plan to start working out more. Since S will be on the same shift as me we plan to workout together when we get off work in the mornings.
Goal #2: To pay off our debt
We have a good chunk of credit card debt and two vehicle payments I am hoping to have paid off by the end of the year. If everything goes according to plan we should have the majority of the credit card debt paid off by May. Once that is all paid off we can start saving for IVF. I am not sure how much my insurance will pay toward IVF but I know we will need some savings. I really want our debt paid off before then though. It will be such a load off my mind having that paid off.
Our Plan: S gets a bonus in a couple weeks that will go toward two of the larger credit cards. I also hope to put $1K in savings so we have a little cushion if needed. I am doubtful that S's insurance will pay for much of his testing so we will need cash set aside for that. I am hoping our tax refund is about the same as last year and we will put that toward debt. S has another bonus coming in April and we hope to put our fence in with that and the remainder will go toward debt. In addition to those things, we put about $750-$1000 toward debt each month from our regular earnings. My car should be paid off by August and hopefully S's truck will be paid off by the end of the year. We are planning on getting another vehicle at the beginning of next year so it will be nice to have our other two paid off before that happens.
These goals will give me something to obsess over besides our IF, so that will be a nice change of pace :)
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