I have found myself to be extremely jealous lately. I am having a hard time feeling happy for ANYONE who gets pregnant. Even friends and family, and this makes me feel like such a horrible person but I can't help it. One of my friends just got married a couple weeks ago and said she thinks she was ovulating on her honeymoon and wonders if she will get pregnant right away. I found myself hoping she doesn't. Who does that? I obviously don't want her to have problems but I am so sick of everyone I know getting married and pregnant right away.
I have a coworker who was also dealing with MFI, only much less severe than ours. She was facing secondary infertility as they got pregnant with her first with no problem. They did several IUIs which failed and then decided to take a break and got pregnant on accident. Seriously?!? That kind of crap is stuff you hear about, it isn't supposed to really happen. I am so jealous because I know nothing like that will ever happen to me.
I will never be able to surprise my husband with a positive pregnancy test. Heck, I really never need to take a pregnancy test again, once we are able to do IVF they will do bloodwork to determine pregnancy. I will never be able to have sex with my husband and get pregnant. Instead of enjoying our lives we have to worry about finances and saving money for IVF. I feel like I will never be able to be happy for someone who gets pregnant unless they have been through at least what I have been through. IF has stolen so much from us.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Weight loss progress and more thoughts on using a donor
Well, the good news is that I am making progress with my weight loss. I have lost 31 pounds and my BMI is officially below 40, which is where I need to be for IVF. My goal is to have a BMI below 30 by the time we would do it and I have 56 more pounds to go to hit that point (yikes, I know!). But since we need to save money I have plenty of time to do it in.
S and I talked more today and currently we are leaning more toward waiting to do IVF. I expressed my concerns to him about him just wanting to do what I want and he assured me that is not it. His main concern is the money issue. We are thinking of maybe saving up for half and financing the rest. His insurance is great (once pregnant) so once I get pregnant we only will have to pay a few small copays and the rest is completely covered, including the hospital stay, so we would be able to pay back whatever we had financed pretty quickly during that time.
He is afraid if we do donor sperm now and save up for an IVF in a couple years that we won't want to take that financial risk once we have a child. I can completely see his point in that. Especially since I want to go part time once we have a baby. We will only try IVF once though, if it doesn't work then we will definitely move on to donor sperm.
We haven't made a sure decision yet, but we are thinking about the options. This is all so hard!
S and I talked more today and currently we are leaning more toward waiting to do IVF. I expressed my concerns to him about him just wanting to do what I want and he assured me that is not it. His main concern is the money issue. We are thinking of maybe saving up for half and financing the rest. His insurance is great (once pregnant) so once I get pregnant we only will have to pay a few small copays and the rest is completely covered, including the hospital stay, so we would be able to pay back whatever we had financed pretty quickly during that time.
He is afraid if we do donor sperm now and save up for an IVF in a couple years that we won't want to take that financial risk once we have a child. I can completely see his point in that. Especially since I want to go part time once we have a baby. We will only try IVF once though, if it doesn't work then we will definitely move on to donor sperm.
We haven't made a sure decision yet, but we are thinking about the options. This is all so hard!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Big decisions to make! Torn...
Last night S and I were talking and he said something that I never thought I would hear. He is starting to think we should go ahead with donor sperm rather than go through IVF. I was blown away. I am not really sure how I feel about that. I told him we need to think about what we will decide. I am afraid he want to do it for the wrong reasons, that he thinks he is failing me and thinks this will make me happier.
I know he is worried about the money. IVF will run us around $20,000 completely out of pocket. IUI with donor sperm is much less and I believe our insurance will cover the IUI, just not the donor part. It will take us at least another year to save up enough for IVF. If we do IUI we can do it now.
He says he doesn't care anymore about it being "his" biologically and he just wants to be a father. I am afraid one day he will resent the fact that we used a donor. I just don't know what to do. I was thinking maybe we could use a donor for our first child while we save up money for an IVF in a couple years for our second child. S is worried that if we wait too long he won't have any sperm, but we have to wait regardless due to saving up money.
I just don't know what decision to make. There are tons of pros to doing IUI: we can do it now, less cost, not as hard on my body. But I just don't know if I can do it. I want my husband's baby. I can't believe I am having to make a decision like this. Its not fair!!
I know he is worried about the money. IVF will run us around $20,000 completely out of pocket. IUI with donor sperm is much less and I believe our insurance will cover the IUI, just not the donor part. It will take us at least another year to save up enough for IVF. If we do IUI we can do it now.
He says he doesn't care anymore about it being "his" biologically and he just wants to be a father. I am afraid one day he will resent the fact that we used a donor. I just don't know what to do. I was thinking maybe we could use a donor for our first child while we save up money for an IVF in a couple years for our second child. S is worried that if we wait too long he won't have any sperm, but we have to wait regardless due to saving up money.
I just don't know what decision to make. There are tons of pros to doing IUI: we can do it now, less cost, not as hard on my body. But I just don't know if I can do it. I want my husband's baby. I can't believe I am having to make a decision like this. Its not fair!!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Screw you AF!
My period is now 2 weeks late. I almost went out and bought a pregnancy test today, just to see. I know it will be negative but I started to get my hopes up that maybe some miracle happened. I started cramping really badly while in the store. That's what I get for getting my hopes up. It still hasn't started yet, but I am sure it will soon. To make matters worse, now that its late, if it comes on time the next two months it will come right during our vacation. It would have worked out perfectly and now it will be right when I don't want it. I am so irritated!
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