Empty Arms

This post will be short and to the point. I wanted to share this video Empty Arms. I cried through the whole thing. It is a wonderful video and I hope one day I have the courage to share it with the people in my life who don't know what we are going through.

Today was more difficult than I thought it would be

As you all know, today is Mother's Day. I have tried to focus on my own mother and not think about the fact that I am not one but it has been difficult. My parents are out of town so I only got to talk to my mom on the phone. I have been at home all day just trying to hold the tears back. On top of that, I have been eating like I'll never get the chance to eat again. I'm talking doritos, brownies, KFC, etc.

I was supposed to work overnight last night into today but luckily I was able to be called off because we had more staff on than we needed. The last place I wanted to be today was on the mother baby unit. I've been trying to avoid facebook as well, almost every post is about Mother's Day. It is so difficult to be an infertile on Mother's Day, and it breaks my heart that we probably won't be any closer by next Mother's Day either.

I hate that this is my life now. I hate that I am so bitter. I hate that I am so jealous of everyone I know who is pregnant. I hate that every pregnancy announcement is like a knife in my chest. I hate that I have 5 or 6 friends getting married this summer and all I can think about is that they will all probably be pregnant before me. I hate that I want to cry every time I have to go to work because everyone there has what I cannot have. I hate that we have to save up almost $20,000 just to try something that most other people can do for free. I hate that my husband feels like he is letting me down. I freaking hate IF!

If you wonder where I have been...

I'm still here! Not much going on with the infertility stuff right now. If you want to see what I have been up to, check out my other blog One Pound at a Time. I am really trying to take this time to lose the weight while we start to save up the money for IVF. One thing I do need to do sometime soon is to set up an appointment with the financial coordinator at the RE clinic to determine prices and what our options are. I'm hoping to do that in the next few weeks, I have been kind of putting it off because I don't want to think about it.