Farewell 2010

I am so over 2010, bring on the new year! I am praying for a pregnancy in 2011. We are anxiously awaiting our appointment with the urologist to see what our options are. I am hoping the new year will bring us some answers and some hope!

I would die for that

I found this video on another blog. Although it made me cry (but really, what doesn't these days?) I found it very touching. This song is amazing and so moving.

If I ever get pregnant I am totally buying this for our baby

T-shirt

One small step

We have made the tiniest bit of progress. S had an appointment with his doctor yesterday. I told him maybe he should just ask about a referral to a urologist while he is there. His doctor actually did a physical exam and we now at least know he does not have a variocele! That is one thing to cross off the list of things effecting our fertility. We now have an appointment set up with the urologist on Jan 17th, it can't come soon enough!

On another good note, S also got a referral to talk to someone about his depression/anxiety, which has gotten exponentially worse since his diagnosis. I really am praying it helps. I hate to see him hurting and nothing I do or say right now seems to help. It breaks my heart.

And to end on a bad note, I cried again at work last night. I was talking about our issues with another girl who is dealing with MFI (male factor infertility) and I just lost it again. My poor coworkers having to deal with me! I am a mess. 

Standing still

Right now we are in limbo. I feel like we are standing still. We are waiting to have S see the urologist until after the new year when he goes to night shift, that way he hopefully won't have to miss any more work because of all this. Which means right now there is not much we can do. With the current results we have, according to my google research (lol) we have .2% chance of conceiving naturally so we have given up trying like we were.

I had been charting my basal body temperature daily and using OPKs to detect my ovulation every month for the past year. Now those things seem pointless. It would truly be a miracle if we got pregnant on our own, no matter how perfect our timing. I hate to say it though, but it is somewhat of a relief to not have to worry about temping and OPKs anymore.

I started S on a vitamin regimen just to be doing something.  He's on a multi, zinc, vit. E, vit. B12, selenium, and saw palmetto. Poor guy is taking 9 pills a day now and I want to add a couple more if I can find them (L-carnitine and maca). Unfortunately, it takes around 70 days to see any difference in the SA after any kind of intervention so we won't know if any of it is working for a while.  

I just wish the process could move more quickly. It will probably be a couple months from now before S can even get into the urologist, then all the testing that will have to be done on him will probably take a couple more months. Then we will need to see the fertility doctors and they will need to do some testing on me as well to make sure there are no problems with me too. After all the testing is done, then we have the actual IVF process which will be at least a month. And that is only if we can afford to do the IVF right away.  I am not sure yet how much my insurance will cover, if anything, and if they do cover it, I don't know if they will make us try IUI first, which would prolong the process even more.

Knowing all this and how long and drawn out the process can be, right now I am hoping to be pregnant by the end of 2011. That gives us a year, and I hope to God it doesn't take that long but I am trying to be realistic with a side of optimistic.  Only time will tell.

I hate my job

I know, I know, a lot of people don't like their job. In general, I do like my job. Of course there are things that bother me, like any job I think. This is the best job I've had since I was in high school. I hated all my other jobs with a passion and never want to go back. I was a CNA in a nursing home and an RN on a med-surg floor and hated them both. I didn't like the jobs themselves and had horrible managers. My current job has a decent director and I am actually doing what I always wanted to do.

So what is my problem then, you might ask. My problem is that I am a postpartum nurse. I work with new moms and babies in the hospital right after they are born until they are discharged. This is what I have always wanted to do. But now its like someone is stabbing me in the chest with a knife every night I go to work. Its like being diabetic and working in a candy shop. Everyone there is getting what I can't have. What I want more than anything in this world. And I know this makes me a horrible person, but I can't help but feel I am more deserving than some of them.

DH and I waited until we were married to try for kids. We were extremely careful while we were dating to not get pregnant by accident (oh, the irony). We both have stable jobs and make a decent amount of money. We both have health insurance. We own a house. We have vehicles that run well. We don't smoke or do drugs. We have a drink maybe a few times a month and never in excess. We work opposite shifts so someone would always be home with our child. Why are we less deserving than the drug addict whose boyfriend is in jail, who didn't even have any prenatal care, and doesn't have custody of her 5 other kids?

At least once a week I get asked at work if I have any kids. Prior to our infertility, I just said we were working on it. Now I don't know what to say. I have to hold back the tears because it would be so unprofessional to cry in front of a patient. It takes every ounce of strength I have not to cry all night at work, and sometimes I obviously fail at it.  

Lately I just want to quit. To find another job. I have no idea what I would do, this is the only area of nursing I really like. Then I think I am just being unreasonable, this is what I have always wanted to do, why would I just give that up? I need to at least stick it out until we know more. If we find out we will never be able to have a baby of our own I think I will have to find a new job. I just don't think I could take it. Right now there is still a small sliver of hope, I just need to hold on.

I have been off for 7 nights and tonight is my first night back. The last night I worked I cried in the breakroom in front of several coworkers. Awesome. Please God just let me make it through the night without crying!

Why did I have to open my big mouth?

Its only been a few weeks since we found out about our infertility. I have cried every single day since then. Not all day every day, but some part of each day. We haven't told many people yet. S told his brother-in-law (J) since J and his wife (A, S's sister) went through fertility issues as well. Through fertility treatments they were able to get pregnant and had our adorable nephew Jr. in August of this year. He also told his mom, due to the fact his stepfather had some strong opinions on the matter with J&A. We have not told any of my family yet, and I would like to wait until we know more before we do. I honestly don't know if S has told any of his friends, I haven't brought it up with him.

Unfortunately, I have a big mouth and told a few girls at work. They all knew we were going in for testing (we have been pretty open about that to everyone, another thing I am regretting) and the day after we got the results someone at work asked me about it and I just started crying. Not good to cry at work, very embarrassing. So then I felt I had to tell her. And then next person who asked. Of course there were a few other people around so they all know too. The next week at work I was feeling sad and someone just asked me if I was okay n the break room and I started crying (in front of about 8 people, awesome). That makes two times within a week I have cried at work. I hate crying in front of anyone other than S, so this is very embarrassing to me. I just told them I was having a bad day but later that night came clean to a friend and other girl I am closer to. This means I have told about 7 or 8 of my coworkers. But the gossip mill is strong where I work. I have been off for 7 nights and I am sure it has spread to everyone by now.

I feel horrible because I am not sure that S wants people to know. He rarely sees anyone I work with so it won't really be a problem but I feel guilty. I wish I would have just told everyone we were having troubles and not given anyone the specifics. From now on I will try to censor myself more. I think I just needed someone, anyone to talk to and a hug because it was all so raw. It still is. S isn't really talking about it much, and I don't want to make him feel bad by constantly bringing it up because he feels like its all his fault. 

Now I just have to figure out how to get through work without crying...

What God meant when he gave me infertility

I saw this on my new friend G's blog and thought I would repost it here. It really is comforting to me and helped me gain some perspective.
 
~What God meant when he gave me infertility..

Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive advice. We can list all the most popular ones: Just relax and you’ll get pregnant”, or “adopt and you’ll get pregnant,” of the most painful from those who think they’ve got the goods on God’s plan, “Maybe God never meant for you to have children.” The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me. These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say “Maybe God never meant for you to live.” However, because I am infertile, I’m supposed to get on with my life. It’s hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment. What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, “Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung, or die. What if he’d never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that was God's plan?

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility. No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I’m on. I’ve been placed on the road less traveled, and more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven’t let him down. Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I’ve ever known. While I would never have chose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I’ll say " Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

I have to share this poem

I've seem this poem on several infertility forums and it really touched me, so I wanted to share it here. I do not know the original author.

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Welcome to our world!

Hello to anyone who may read this! I am starting this blog as an outlet for myself. My husband and I are TTC (trying to conceive) our first child and have hit a major road block: Infertility. I am not really talking to very many people about our situation yet so this will be a place for me to vent and track our journey. I am not a writer, so this blog will be nothing spectacular, but hopefully will help me along the way.

Although the purpose of this blog is just for me, since I never know who may eventually read it I'll give our background story. My husband, S, and I met almost 4 years ago. We fell in love hard and fast, it almost seemed too good to be true. We knew within a few months of dating we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We decided to wait due to our financial situations and eventually got married after 3 years together on October 3, 2009. We also knew from the start that we wanted kids right away once we were married.

I had been on birth control for 10 years and stopped taking it the month before the wedding. We were naive and thought it would happen right away for us. In fact, going by the old "you ovulate on cycle day 14" rule I should have ovulated on our honeymoon. We were going to have a honeymoon baby! Unfortunately, my period came right on time that month. We tried the old fashioned way a couple months and then in December '09 I had a 43 day cycle (mine were typically 30 days previously). I decided I needed to figure out what was going on with my body. I started using ovulation predictor kits (OPKs) and charting my temperature daily. Both these things help pinpoint the day you ovulate so you know when to try for that baby.

Based on my charting I seemed to ovulate every month and after about another month my cycles seemed to regulate. We just kept trying each month and each month I was devastated when my period arrived. They say it can take a healthy couple up to a year before they will get pregnant so we just stuck it out. The year mark came and went and I was terrified of taking the next step so I told myself we would try one more month. S was willing to do whatever I wanted. The day my period started I made the call to my OB to set up our appointment. I hung up and cried, terrified that there would be something horribly wrong with one of us.

I was hoping the problem was with me. From what I had read online it seemed as though there were so many more options if the problem is with the woman. My worst fear was that the problem would be with S. We met with the OB in November, 2010. She drew my prolactin level and TSH. They came back normal. She also told me to call when I got my period so we could schedule an HSG, which is basically an xray of my tubes to make sure there are no blockages. Finally, they ordered a spermanalysis (SA) for S. He did the SA and we got the results 2 days later. I knew it was bad when the Dr called me back rather than the nurse. My worse fear had come true. We are not the worst case scenario but we are just a small step above that.

Right now we are in limbo. S needs to see a urologist to have more testing done. I decided to skip my HSG until we find out more about S. It just seems pointless right now. Unfortunately we have to wait on the urologist until after the new year because S cannot miss anymore work. He plans to switch to night shift while we are going through the testing and while I am pregnant so he can come to those appointments as well. I am so luckily to have such a wonderful husband who is willing to do that for us.

From the research I have done online it seems we will most likely have to do IVF with ICSI. Which is major $$. My insurance should hopefully cover some of it but S's doesn't cover anything. So unfortunately, how much money we are able to save will have an effect on how soon we can move on with treatment as well.

Well, that is our journey so far, if you made it through all that I am impressed!