I hate my job

I know, I know, a lot of people don't like their job. In general, I do like my job. Of course there are things that bother me, like any job I think. This is the best job I've had since I was in high school. I hated all my other jobs with a passion and never want to go back. I was a CNA in a nursing home and an RN on a med-surg floor and hated them both. I didn't like the jobs themselves and had horrible managers. My current job has a decent director and I am actually doing what I always wanted to do.

So what is my problem then, you might ask. My problem is that I am a postpartum nurse. I work with new moms and babies in the hospital right after they are born until they are discharged. This is what I have always wanted to do. But now its like someone is stabbing me in the chest with a knife every night I go to work. Its like being diabetic and working in a candy shop. Everyone there is getting what I can't have. What I want more than anything in this world. And I know this makes me a horrible person, but I can't help but feel I am more deserving than some of them.

DH and I waited until we were married to try for kids. We were extremely careful while we were dating to not get pregnant by accident (oh, the irony). We both have stable jobs and make a decent amount of money. We both have health insurance. We own a house. We have vehicles that run well. We don't smoke or do drugs. We have a drink maybe a few times a month and never in excess. We work opposite shifts so someone would always be home with our child. Why are we less deserving than the drug addict whose boyfriend is in jail, who didn't even have any prenatal care, and doesn't have custody of her 5 other kids?

At least once a week I get asked at work if I have any kids. Prior to our infertility, I just said we were working on it. Now I don't know what to say. I have to hold back the tears because it would be so unprofessional to cry in front of a patient. It takes every ounce of strength I have not to cry all night at work, and sometimes I obviously fail at it.  

Lately I just want to quit. To find another job. I have no idea what I would do, this is the only area of nursing I really like. Then I think I am just being unreasonable, this is what I have always wanted to do, why would I just give that up? I need to at least stick it out until we know more. If we find out we will never be able to have a baby of our own I think I will have to find a new job. I just don't think I could take it. Right now there is still a small sliver of hope, I just need to hold on.

I have been off for 7 nights and tonight is my first night back. The last night I worked I cried in the breakroom in front of several coworkers. Awesome. Please God just let me make it through the night without crying!