Devastated doesn't even begin to cover what I am feeling right now. S had an SA today because we were going to try and get some sperm to freeze for our IVF cycle since his count and motility were so low. Not too long ago I got that call that there were no sperm whatsoever in the sample.
I haven't told S yet, he's at work and I don't want him preoccupied with it so I will tell him when he gets home. He is going to be heartbroken. He has been trying so hard to improve things, he has changed his diet, had been drinking more water, has completely cut out caffeine, has been taking cool showers, has been taking vitamins. I hate that I have to tell him this news.
I just don't even understand how/why this happened? He has had two other SAs and the second one, while still extremely low, had improved from the first.
We have to wait until Monday to figure out our plan because our RE is out of town, but as far as I know the next option is surgery for S to try and extract sperm that way. I hate that he has to go through that. And I am terrified now that won't work either. We have started talking about donor sperm lately again, and S says he will be okay if that is what we have to do. I just hate that my husband might not be able to have a biological child. He is the most amazing man and I just hate this for him.
I feel so lost and hopeless right now :(
Friday, January 27, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Finally have something to update!
I'm sure you all have given up on me but we are finally moving forward. I am so nervous and excited!
Last Monday we had pre-IVF labs drawn and they all came back fine. They did forget to draw my rubella so I had to have that drawn today, but the only thing that might do is make me have to get the rubella vaccine (which might push things back a few weeks or so, so hopefully I am immune!).
Today I had my SHG (sonohysterogram). It wasn't too bad, just some cramping. While we were there we were finally able to catch the woman who deals with all the insurance and have our meeting with her. We had been trying to get ahold of her for a couple weeks but due to the holidays and everything, she was unavailable. Thankfully she was able to see us today. And she gave us great news, we won't be paying out of pocket as much as I had suspected. My insurance will cover some of the ultrasounds and tests, and possibly all or most of the medications. This saves us several thousand dollars, so we couldn't be happier.
The next step is the class we have to take to learn our protocol and calendar. We have that scheduled for two weeks from now. Once we have taken the class we will be able to start our IVF cycle once my period starts. Which should be around the beginning of February.
This is really happening. We might end 2012 with a baby!
Last Monday we had pre-IVF labs drawn and they all came back fine. They did forget to draw my rubella so I had to have that drawn today, but the only thing that might do is make me have to get the rubella vaccine (which might push things back a few weeks or so, so hopefully I am immune!).
Today I had my SHG (sonohysterogram). It wasn't too bad, just some cramping. While we were there we were finally able to catch the woman who deals with all the insurance and have our meeting with her. We had been trying to get ahold of her for a couple weeks but due to the holidays and everything, she was unavailable. Thankfully she was able to see us today. And she gave us great news, we won't be paying out of pocket as much as I had suspected. My insurance will cover some of the ultrasounds and tests, and possibly all or most of the medications. This saves us several thousand dollars, so we couldn't be happier.
The next step is the class we have to take to learn our protocol and calendar. We have that scheduled for two weeks from now. Once we have taken the class we will be able to start our IVF cycle once my period starts. Which should be around the beginning of February.
This is really happening. We might end 2012 with a baby!
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Freaking myself out
I've been thinking a lot about our IVF plans lately and I am starting to freak out. I am sure that is normal, but its just such a huge thing and I don't know how I will handle it if it doesn't work. I've been so focused on getting the money to actually do IVF that I hadn't even really thought about the possibility of it not working. But now I have been reading statistics and making myself worry. I had really been hoping that once we are able to do it that it would be a sure thing. But if it fails, I don't know what we will do. I am not sure I can handle more than one IVF. Plus, I don't want to waste all of my inheritance. I probably have enough to do 3 cycles, but I don't want to spend it all. I am so torn about the other options (donor sperm or adoption) that I don't know what we would do. I am just freaking out right now.
I also have been super emotional the past few days. I just found out one of my good friends is pregnant. I am so happy for her but I am so jealous, she got pregnant on their first try, on their honeymoon. It makes me sad that almost everyone I know who got married after me is already pregnant. Also, my coworker who was dealing with MFI who got pregnant once they gave up trying had a miscarriage. I feel so awful for her. I can't even imagine.
I also have been super emotional the past few days. I just found out one of my good friends is pregnant. I am so happy for her but I am so jealous, she got pregnant on their first try, on their honeymoon. It makes me sad that almost everyone I know who got married after me is already pregnant. Also, my coworker who was dealing with MFI who got pregnant once they gave up trying had a miscarriage. I feel so awful for her. I can't even imagine.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Completely Unexpected...
My great grandmother passed away a couple weeks ago. She was 100 years old! She was such a great lady and will be missed.
What does this have to do with this blog? Surprisingly, a lot. My mother had always told me that I would be getting a small inheritance when my great grandma passed away. Today I had lunch with my mom and it turns out, great grandma had a lot more money set aside for all of us than we thought. Over 5 times more, which is more than I make in a year! Definitely enough to pay for IVF, even more than one if necessary, and even still have enough left for adoption if we have to go that route. I am hoping to only take out a $15,000 savings bond and keep the rest.
This also presented the perfect opportunity to tell my mom that we will be having to do IVF (S has already told his parents). I didn't tell her what exactly our diagnosis is, only that IVF is our only option. She did not seem entirely shocked at this news, I think she suspected we were having trouble since we have been trying for almost 2 years now.
I would still like to continue to lose weight before we proceed with IVF to be as healthy as possible when we do it. I think the plan will be to do it before the end of 2011. Its nice to have a goal in mind and hopefully that will help me ramp up my weight loss. I can't believe this is really going to happen this year!
What does this have to do with this blog? Surprisingly, a lot. My mother had always told me that I would be getting a small inheritance when my great grandma passed away. Today I had lunch with my mom and it turns out, great grandma had a lot more money set aside for all of us than we thought. Over 5 times more, which is more than I make in a year! Definitely enough to pay for IVF, even more than one if necessary, and even still have enough left for adoption if we have to go that route. I am hoping to only take out a $15,000 savings bond and keep the rest.
This also presented the perfect opportunity to tell my mom that we will be having to do IVF (S has already told his parents). I didn't tell her what exactly our diagnosis is, only that IVF is our only option. She did not seem entirely shocked at this news, I think she suspected we were having trouble since we have been trying for almost 2 years now.
I would still like to continue to lose weight before we proceed with IVF to be as healthy as possible when we do it. I think the plan will be to do it before the end of 2011. Its nice to have a goal in mind and hopefully that will help me ramp up my weight loss. I can't believe this is really going to happen this year!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Ugly green monster
I have found myself to be extremely jealous lately. I am having a hard time feeling happy for ANYONE who gets pregnant. Even friends and family, and this makes me feel like such a horrible person but I can't help it. One of my friends just got married a couple weeks ago and said she thinks she was ovulating on her honeymoon and wonders if she will get pregnant right away. I found myself hoping she doesn't. Who does that? I obviously don't want her to have problems but I am so sick of everyone I know getting married and pregnant right away.
I have a coworker who was also dealing with MFI, only much less severe than ours. She was facing secondary infertility as they got pregnant with her first with no problem. They did several IUIs which failed and then decided to take a break and got pregnant on accident. Seriously?!? That kind of crap is stuff you hear about, it isn't supposed to really happen. I am so jealous because I know nothing like that will ever happen to me.
I will never be able to surprise my husband with a positive pregnancy test. Heck, I really never need to take a pregnancy test again, once we are able to do IVF they will do bloodwork to determine pregnancy. I will never be able to have sex with my husband and get pregnant. Instead of enjoying our lives we have to worry about finances and saving money for IVF. I feel like I will never be able to be happy for someone who gets pregnant unless they have been through at least what I have been through. IF has stolen so much from us.
I have a coworker who was also dealing with MFI, only much less severe than ours. She was facing secondary infertility as they got pregnant with her first with no problem. They did several IUIs which failed and then decided to take a break and got pregnant on accident. Seriously?!? That kind of crap is stuff you hear about, it isn't supposed to really happen. I am so jealous because I know nothing like that will ever happen to me.
I will never be able to surprise my husband with a positive pregnancy test. Heck, I really never need to take a pregnancy test again, once we are able to do IVF they will do bloodwork to determine pregnancy. I will never be able to have sex with my husband and get pregnant. Instead of enjoying our lives we have to worry about finances and saving money for IVF. I feel like I will never be able to be happy for someone who gets pregnant unless they have been through at least what I have been through. IF has stolen so much from us.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Weight loss progress and more thoughts on using a donor
Well, the good news is that I am making progress with my weight loss. I have lost 31 pounds and my BMI is officially below 40, which is where I need to be for IVF. My goal is to have a BMI below 30 by the time we would do it and I have 56 more pounds to go to hit that point (yikes, I know!). But since we need to save money I have plenty of time to do it in.
S and I talked more today and currently we are leaning more toward waiting to do IVF. I expressed my concerns to him about him just wanting to do what I want and he assured me that is not it. His main concern is the money issue. We are thinking of maybe saving up for half and financing the rest. His insurance is great (once pregnant) so once I get pregnant we only will have to pay a few small copays and the rest is completely covered, including the hospital stay, so we would be able to pay back whatever we had financed pretty quickly during that time.
He is afraid if we do donor sperm now and save up for an IVF in a couple years that we won't want to take that financial risk once we have a child. I can completely see his point in that. Especially since I want to go part time once we have a baby. We will only try IVF once though, if it doesn't work then we will definitely move on to donor sperm.
We haven't made a sure decision yet, but we are thinking about the options. This is all so hard!
S and I talked more today and currently we are leaning more toward waiting to do IVF. I expressed my concerns to him about him just wanting to do what I want and he assured me that is not it. His main concern is the money issue. We are thinking of maybe saving up for half and financing the rest. His insurance is great (once pregnant) so once I get pregnant we only will have to pay a few small copays and the rest is completely covered, including the hospital stay, so we would be able to pay back whatever we had financed pretty quickly during that time.
He is afraid if we do donor sperm now and save up for an IVF in a couple years that we won't want to take that financial risk once we have a child. I can completely see his point in that. Especially since I want to go part time once we have a baby. We will only try IVF once though, if it doesn't work then we will definitely move on to donor sperm.
We haven't made a sure decision yet, but we are thinking about the options. This is all so hard!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Big decisions to make! Torn...
Last night S and I were talking and he said something that I never thought I would hear. He is starting to think we should go ahead with donor sperm rather than go through IVF. I was blown away. I am not really sure how I feel about that. I told him we need to think about what we will decide. I am afraid he want to do it for the wrong reasons, that he thinks he is failing me and thinks this will make me happier.
I know he is worried about the money. IVF will run us around $20,000 completely out of pocket. IUI with donor sperm is much less and I believe our insurance will cover the IUI, just not the donor part. It will take us at least another year to save up enough for IVF. If we do IUI we can do it now.
He says he doesn't care anymore about it being "his" biologically and he just wants to be a father. I am afraid one day he will resent the fact that we used a donor. I just don't know what to do. I was thinking maybe we could use a donor for our first child while we save up money for an IVF in a couple years for our second child. S is worried that if we wait too long he won't have any sperm, but we have to wait regardless due to saving up money.
I just don't know what decision to make. There are tons of pros to doing IUI: we can do it now, less cost, not as hard on my body. But I just don't know if I can do it. I want my husband's baby. I can't believe I am having to make a decision like this. Its not fair!!
I know he is worried about the money. IVF will run us around $20,000 completely out of pocket. IUI with donor sperm is much less and I believe our insurance will cover the IUI, just not the donor part. It will take us at least another year to save up enough for IVF. If we do IUI we can do it now.
He says he doesn't care anymore about it being "his" biologically and he just wants to be a father. I am afraid one day he will resent the fact that we used a donor. I just don't know what to do. I was thinking maybe we could use a donor for our first child while we save up money for an IVF in a couple years for our second child. S is worried that if we wait too long he won't have any sperm, but we have to wait regardless due to saving up money.
I just don't know what decision to make. There are tons of pros to doing IUI: we can do it now, less cost, not as hard on my body. But I just don't know if I can do it. I want my husband's baby. I can't believe I am having to make a decision like this. Its not fair!!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Screw you AF!
My period is now 2 weeks late. I almost went out and bought a pregnancy test today, just to see. I know it will be negative but I started to get my hopes up that maybe some miracle happened. I started cramping really badly while in the store. That's what I get for getting my hopes up. It still hasn't started yet, but I am sure it will soon. To make matters worse, now that its late, if it comes on time the next two months it will come right during our vacation. It would have worked out perfectly and now it will be right when I don't want it. I am so irritated!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Empty Arms
This post will be short and to the point. I wanted to share this video Empty Arms. I cried through the whole thing. It is a wonderful video and I hope one day I have the courage to share it with the people in my life who don't know what we are going through.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Today was more difficult than I thought it would be
As you all know, today is Mother's Day. I have tried to focus on my own mother and not think about the fact that I am not one but it has been difficult. My parents are out of town so I only got to talk to my mom on the phone. I have been at home all day just trying to hold the tears back. On top of that, I have been eating like I'll never get the chance to eat again. I'm talking doritos, brownies, KFC, etc.
I was supposed to work overnight last night into today but luckily I was able to be called off because we had more staff on than we needed. The last place I wanted to be today was on the mother baby unit. I've been trying to avoid facebook as well, almost every post is about Mother's Day. It is so difficult to be an infertile on Mother's Day, and it breaks my heart that we probably won't be any closer by next Mother's Day either.
I hate that this is my life now. I hate that I am so bitter. I hate that I am so jealous of everyone I know who is pregnant. I hate that every pregnancy announcement is like a knife in my chest. I hate that I have 5 or 6 friends getting married this summer and all I can think about is that they will all probably be pregnant before me. I hate that I want to cry every time I have to go to work because everyone there has what I cannot have. I hate that we have to save up almost $20,000 just to try something that most other people can do for free. I hate that my husband feels like he is letting me down. I freaking hate IF!
I was supposed to work overnight last night into today but luckily I was able to be called off because we had more staff on than we needed. The last place I wanted to be today was on the mother baby unit. I've been trying to avoid facebook as well, almost every post is about Mother's Day. It is so difficult to be an infertile on Mother's Day, and it breaks my heart that we probably won't be any closer by next Mother's Day either.
I hate that this is my life now. I hate that I am so bitter. I hate that I am so jealous of everyone I know who is pregnant. I hate that every pregnancy announcement is like a knife in my chest. I hate that I have 5 or 6 friends getting married this summer and all I can think about is that they will all probably be pregnant before me. I hate that I want to cry every time I have to go to work because everyone there has what I cannot have. I hate that we have to save up almost $20,000 just to try something that most other people can do for free. I hate that my husband feels like he is letting me down. I freaking hate IF!
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