Well, the good news is that I am making progress with my weight loss. I have lost 31 pounds and my BMI is officially below 40, which is where I need to be for IVF. My goal is to have a BMI below 30 by the time we would do it and I have 56 more pounds to go to hit that point (yikes, I know!). But since we need to save money I have plenty of time to do it in.
S and I talked more today and currently we are leaning more toward waiting to do IVF. I expressed my concerns to him about him just wanting to do what I want and he assured me that is not it. His main concern is the money issue. We are thinking of maybe saving up for half and financing the rest. His insurance is great (once pregnant) so once I get pregnant we only will have to pay a few small copays and the rest is completely covered, including the hospital stay, so we would be able to pay back whatever we had financed pretty quickly during that time.
He is afraid if we do donor sperm now and save up for an IVF in a couple years that we won't want to take that financial risk once we have a child. I can completely see his point in that. Especially since I want to go part time once we have a baby. We will only try IVF once though, if it doesn't work then we will definitely move on to donor sperm.
We haven't made a sure decision yet, but we are thinking about the options. This is all so hard!
Monday, June 13, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Big decisions to make! Torn...
Last night S and I were talking and he said something that I never thought I would hear. He is starting to think we should go ahead with donor sperm rather than go through IVF. I was blown away. I am not really sure how I feel about that. I told him we need to think about what we will decide. I am afraid he want to do it for the wrong reasons, that he thinks he is failing me and thinks this will make me happier.
I know he is worried about the money. IVF will run us around $20,000 completely out of pocket. IUI with donor sperm is much less and I believe our insurance will cover the IUI, just not the donor part. It will take us at least another year to save up enough for IVF. If we do IUI we can do it now.
He says he doesn't care anymore about it being "his" biologically and he just wants to be a father. I am afraid one day he will resent the fact that we used a donor. I just don't know what to do. I was thinking maybe we could use a donor for our first child while we save up money for an IVF in a couple years for our second child. S is worried that if we wait too long he won't have any sperm, but we have to wait regardless due to saving up money.
I just don't know what decision to make. There are tons of pros to doing IUI: we can do it now, less cost, not as hard on my body. But I just don't know if I can do it. I want my husband's baby. I can't believe I am having to make a decision like this. Its not fair!!
I know he is worried about the money. IVF will run us around $20,000 completely out of pocket. IUI with donor sperm is much less and I believe our insurance will cover the IUI, just not the donor part. It will take us at least another year to save up enough for IVF. If we do IUI we can do it now.
He says he doesn't care anymore about it being "his" biologically and he just wants to be a father. I am afraid one day he will resent the fact that we used a donor. I just don't know what to do. I was thinking maybe we could use a donor for our first child while we save up money for an IVF in a couple years for our second child. S is worried that if we wait too long he won't have any sperm, but we have to wait regardless due to saving up money.
I just don't know what decision to make. There are tons of pros to doing IUI: we can do it now, less cost, not as hard on my body. But I just don't know if I can do it. I want my husband's baby. I can't believe I am having to make a decision like this. Its not fair!!
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Screw you AF!
My period is now 2 weeks late. I almost went out and bought a pregnancy test today, just to see. I know it will be negative but I started to get my hopes up that maybe some miracle happened. I started cramping really badly while in the store. That's what I get for getting my hopes up. It still hasn't started yet, but I am sure it will soon. To make matters worse, now that its late, if it comes on time the next two months it will come right during our vacation. It would have worked out perfectly and now it will be right when I don't want it. I am so irritated!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Empty Arms
This post will be short and to the point. I wanted to share this video Empty Arms. I cried through the whole thing. It is a wonderful video and I hope one day I have the courage to share it with the people in my life who don't know what we are going through.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Today was more difficult than I thought it would be
As you all know, today is Mother's Day. I have tried to focus on my own mother and not think about the fact that I am not one but it has been difficult. My parents are out of town so I only got to talk to my mom on the phone. I have been at home all day just trying to hold the tears back. On top of that, I have been eating like I'll never get the chance to eat again. I'm talking doritos, brownies, KFC, etc.
I was supposed to work overnight last night into today but luckily I was able to be called off because we had more staff on than we needed. The last place I wanted to be today was on the mother baby unit. I've been trying to avoid facebook as well, almost every post is about Mother's Day. It is so difficult to be an infertile on Mother's Day, and it breaks my heart that we probably won't be any closer by next Mother's Day either.
I hate that this is my life now. I hate that I am so bitter. I hate that I am so jealous of everyone I know who is pregnant. I hate that every pregnancy announcement is like a knife in my chest. I hate that I have 5 or 6 friends getting married this summer and all I can think about is that they will all probably be pregnant before me. I hate that I want to cry every time I have to go to work because everyone there has what I cannot have. I hate that we have to save up almost $20,000 just to try something that most other people can do for free. I hate that my husband feels like he is letting me down. I freaking hate IF!
I was supposed to work overnight last night into today but luckily I was able to be called off because we had more staff on than we needed. The last place I wanted to be today was on the mother baby unit. I've been trying to avoid facebook as well, almost every post is about Mother's Day. It is so difficult to be an infertile on Mother's Day, and it breaks my heart that we probably won't be any closer by next Mother's Day either.
I hate that this is my life now. I hate that I am so bitter. I hate that I am so jealous of everyone I know who is pregnant. I hate that every pregnancy announcement is like a knife in my chest. I hate that I have 5 or 6 friends getting married this summer and all I can think about is that they will all probably be pregnant before me. I hate that I want to cry every time I have to go to work because everyone there has what I cannot have. I hate that we have to save up almost $20,000 just to try something that most other people can do for free. I hate that my husband feels like he is letting me down. I freaking hate IF!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
If you wonder where I have been...
I'm still here! Not much going on with the infertility stuff right now. If you want to see what I have been up to, check out my other blog One Pound at a Time. I am really trying to take this time to lose the weight while we start to save up the money for IVF. One thing I do need to do sometime soon is to set up an appointment with the financial coordinator at the RE clinic to determine prices and what our options are. I'm hoping to do that in the next few weeks, I have been kind of putting it off because I don't want to think about it.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Coping with Infertility - A Celtic Prayer
Gracious God, we long for a child and find our hearts shaved of hope
as month after month we go childless.
The love we have to give and share with a child fills us to the brim,
but that love seems thwarted when our longing is not fulfilled.
Look with tenderness on us, O God.
Let the disappointment that hangs over us be lifted by the joy of your touch.
Give us the patience that will re-build hope
as we wait for the fullness of our love in the high calling of parenthood.
We ask this for the sake of your love. Amen
as month after month we go childless.
The love we have to give and share with a child fills us to the brim,
but that love seems thwarted when our longing is not fulfilled.
Look with tenderness on us, O God.
Let the disappointment that hangs over us be lifted by the joy of your touch.
Give us the patience that will re-build hope
as we wait for the fullness of our love in the high calling of parenthood.
We ask this for the sake of your love. Amen
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Bringing this over from my weight loss blog...
This is a post from my weight loss blog but it really goes along with all of this IF stuff so I decided to repost it here as well.
My ultimate goal with this weight loss journey is to lose enough to be able to get pregnant. We have known for a few months now that we are dealing with infertility. We are waiting for one more test to come back but otherwise it is fairly certain we will have to do IVF. (ETA: That test came back, and we will definitely have to do IVF)
Yesterday was our first visit with the fertility clinic. I know that being obese can make pregnancy more difficult and it can cause difficulties with the IVF itself. I want to be as healthy as possible before we do IVF so it has the best chance at working because we are paying for it entire out of pocket (our insurance does not cover IVF) and it has a price tag of $15,000 - $20,000 each try.
He said ideally a BMI below 30 is what they like to see, which is out of the obese category. I have a long way to go to get to that point so he said I really want to be at least in the 30s. My current BMI is 41. When I started this journey my BMI was 45 so I am down 4 points so far.
To get below 40 I need to lose 8 more pounds (232 pounds).
To get below 35 I need to lose 37 more pounds (203 pounds).
To get below 30 I need to lose 66 more pounds (174 pounds).
Since we have to pay for IVF ourselves we probably won't be able to try until the end of this year at the very earliest. That gives me at least 36 more weeks to lose this weight. If I want to lose 65 pounds by then, that is a loss of just under 2 pounds a week. This is 100% doable if I just stick with it.
He suggested a low carb low sugar type of diet. I definitely think I need to do a diet overhaul. I am not willing to give up certain foods because I know myself and that will just set me up for a binge, but I can make smarter choices. Even though I have been doing weight watchers and sticking to my points, I have not been eating well. I eat whatever I want as long as I don't go over my points. Honestly, that is what I love about the plan. But I need to make a few adjustments.
I can start eating whole wheat bread and pasta instead of white. I won't give up potatoes but I can eat them less often. I also need to eat more veggies and fruits. These are hard for me because I am an extremely picky eater. This is another thing I need to work on. The last thing I am going to do is cut down on my soda drinking and drink more water. I drink tons of water at work but when I am at home I drink diet soda. I gave soda up completely a couple years ago no problem but somewhere along the way started back up again. I only drink diet but its still not good for you!
I am going to slowly incorporate these changes into my diet so hopefully I can stick with them. I just need to keep my eye on the prize: a baby for me and my husband
My ultimate goal with this weight loss journey is to lose enough to be able to get pregnant. We have known for a few months now that we are dealing with infertility. We are waiting for one more test to come back but otherwise it is fairly certain we will have to do IVF. (ETA: That test came back, and we will definitely have to do IVF)
Yesterday was our first visit with the fertility clinic. I know that being obese can make pregnancy more difficult and it can cause difficulties with the IVF itself. I want to be as healthy as possible before we do IVF so it has the best chance at working because we are paying for it entire out of pocket (our insurance does not cover IVF) and it has a price tag of $15,000 - $20,000 each try.
He said ideally a BMI below 30 is what they like to see, which is out of the obese category. I have a long way to go to get to that point so he said I really want to be at least in the 30s. My current BMI is 41. When I started this journey my BMI was 45 so I am down 4 points so far.
To get below 40 I need to lose 8 more pounds (232 pounds).
To get below 35 I need to lose 37 more pounds (203 pounds).
To get below 30 I need to lose 66 more pounds (174 pounds).
Since we have to pay for IVF ourselves we probably won't be able to try until the end of this year at the very earliest. That gives me at least 36 more weeks to lose this weight. If I want to lose 65 pounds by then, that is a loss of just under 2 pounds a week. This is 100% doable if I just stick with it.
He suggested a low carb low sugar type of diet. I definitely think I need to do a diet overhaul. I am not willing to give up certain foods because I know myself and that will just set me up for a binge, but I can make smarter choices. Even though I have been doing weight watchers and sticking to my points, I have not been eating well. I eat whatever I want as long as I don't go over my points. Honestly, that is what I love about the plan. But I need to make a few adjustments.
I can start eating whole wheat bread and pasta instead of white. I won't give up potatoes but I can eat them less often. I also need to eat more veggies and fruits. These are hard for me because I am an extremely picky eater. This is another thing I need to work on. The last thing I am going to do is cut down on my soda drinking and drink more water. I drink tons of water at work but when I am at home I drink diet soda. I gave soda up completely a couple years ago no problem but somewhere along the way started back up again. I only drink diet but its still not good for you!
I am going to slowly incorporate these changes into my diet so hopefully I can stick with them. I just need to keep my eye on the prize: a baby for me and my husband
Fertility Blend
Since we are currently on hold until we can save up enough money for IVF, S and I are trying to get healthier. One thing we decided to try is starting S on Fertility Blend for men. It is a combination of vitamins that is supposed to help with count and motility. We figure it can't hurt and might help. We know it won't change the fact we will have to do IVF but are hoping it will increase the count and quality some.
Earlier this year I had him taking several individual vitamins for about 3 months between his first and second SA's, and it did seem to help some. Even though his count is still extremely low, it did triple from the first to the second (50K to 175K) so we figured we might as well try while we are waiting. We are also trying to eat better, drink less caffeine, and exercise more.
Earlier this year I had him taking several individual vitamins for about 3 months between his first and second SA's, and it did seem to help some. Even though his count is still extremely low, it did triple from the first to the second (50K to 175K) so we figured we might as well try while we are waiting. We are also trying to eat better, drink less caffeine, and exercise more.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Infertility ABC's
I've seen this on a few of the blogs I follow so I figured I'd do it too!
A - Age at Which you Started TTC: 25
B - Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex
C - Children Wanted: Originally we wanted 2-3, but now will be happy with one or twins
D - Dogs/Cats/Fill In Babies: We have a beagle mix named Lily
E - Essential Oils/Vitamins: I take a prenatal vitamin; I started S on Fertility Blend for Men today
F - Fertility Meds I've Taken: None so far, but we will be doing IVF so there will be plenty coming!
G - Gain, What I have Gained from Infertility: It has brought me and my husband closer together
H - HSG: Nope, since we have to do IVF it just seems like a waste of money
I - Infertile Pet Peeve: That neither of our insurances cover IVF!
J - Job Title: Registered Nurse
K - Kids Names you are Afraid will be Taken: Emma and Brady are our top choices, and we will use them regardless if anyone else does
L - Lengh of Time TTC - 20 months so far
M - Miscarriages: None, I have never been pregnant
N - Number of Times you have Swiched REs: We've only seen one and we don't really have any other options in our area
O - Overian Quality: Good as far as I know
P - POAS or Wait for AF: I usually wait for AF and only test if its late. When we do IVF I will wait for the beta
Q - Quote from an Obnoxious Fertile: "why don't you just have sex" when talking about IUI
S - Sperm: Extremely low count and zero motility
T - Time you Tried Naturally - 14 months before going to my OB for some initial testing, but technically we still are trying naturally until we can afford IVF, even though there is pretty much 0% chance that will happen
U - Uterus Quality: Good
V - Vagina: I have one
W - What Baby Stuff do you Already Have: Nothing, I am too paranoid to buy anything
X - Xtra, Xtra, Hear all about it! How many people know about your TTC Journey: Several of my coworkers, and now most of S's family knows. My family just knows we've been trying a while but don't know the full extent. We will probably tell them closer to when we are going to do IVF
Y - Yearly Exam: I need one, I am behind because my OB just said we would do it when I got pregnant.
Z - Zits: Ever since going off birth control I've been getting them again
A - Age at Which you Started TTC: 25
B - Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex
C - Children Wanted: Originally we wanted 2-3, but now will be happy with one or twins
D - Dogs/Cats/Fill In Babies: We have a beagle mix named Lily
E - Essential Oils/Vitamins: I take a prenatal vitamin; I started S on Fertility Blend for Men today
F - Fertility Meds I've Taken: None so far, but we will be doing IVF so there will be plenty coming!
G - Gain, What I have Gained from Infertility: It has brought me and my husband closer together
H - HSG: Nope, since we have to do IVF it just seems like a waste of money
I - Infertile Pet Peeve: That neither of our insurances cover IVF!
J - Job Title: Registered Nurse
K - Kids Names you are Afraid will be Taken: Emma and Brady are our top choices, and we will use them regardless if anyone else does
L - Lengh of Time TTC - 20 months so far
M - Miscarriages: None, I have never been pregnant
N - Number of Times you have Swiched REs: We've only seen one and we don't really have any other options in our area
O - Overian Quality: Good as far as I know
P - POAS or Wait for AF: I usually wait for AF and only test if its late. When we do IVF I will wait for the beta
Q - Quote from an Obnoxious Fertile: "why don't you just have sex" when talking about IUI
S - Sperm: Extremely low count and zero motility
T - Time you Tried Naturally - 14 months before going to my OB for some initial testing, but technically we still are trying naturally until we can afford IVF, even though there is pretty much 0% chance that will happen
U - Uterus Quality: Good
V - Vagina: I have one
W - What Baby Stuff do you Already Have: Nothing, I am too paranoid to buy anything
X - Xtra, Xtra, Hear all about it! How many people know about your TTC Journey: Several of my coworkers, and now most of S's family knows. My family just knows we've been trying a while but don't know the full extent. We will probably tell them closer to when we are going to do IVF
Y - Yearly Exam: I need one, I am behind because my OB just said we would do it when I got pregnant.
Z - Zits: Ever since going off birth control I've been getting them again
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