I am in a major funk. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I have been so crabby and moody the past few weeks. I feel awful for my husband because I am sure I suck to be around right now. Every day I have to go to work I completely dread it. I don't feel like being around anyone. Yesterday I was so crabby I decided to hang out alone in bed rather than be out in the living room with S. I just want to hide out somewhere and cry. I've been avoiding people as much as possible. I am freaking out over little things that really shouldn't bother me so much.
I even actually have some things to be proud of for once and all I can see is the negative. I have lost 23 pounds but I don't feel like I look any different and I still have so much more to lose that it doesn't even feel like a dent in the total number. I look at myself and I am disgusted. We have recently paid off a lot of debt, but I am so stressed about money all the time and the remainder of our debt and upcoming expenses related to IF. I feel like we will never be ahead.
Our first RE appointment is in a week and I am extremely nervous about it. I have no idea why, I feel like I know what to expect. I want to get things moving. But I am afraid. I am afraid they will find more things wrong. I am afraid they will tell us we have no options. All this time I have held out hope that even though our diagnosis is bad, at least we can do IVF. What if that isn't a possibility?
I feel like I am dangling by a thread and I am going to snap in a big way. I really need to pull myself together.
I felt a lot like that before our first RE appointment too. What if things are worse than I thought? What if she says treatment won't work for us? Plus, I felt like going to the RE was a BIG step - it was admitting that this wasn't going to happen on our own. After we met with her and developed our treatment plan I felt much better. After months of so much uncertainty, I thought it felt really good to be 'doing' something. I hope your appointment goes well!
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