Gracious God, we long for a child and find our hearts shaved of hope
as month after month we go childless.
The love we have to give and share with a child fills us to the brim,
but that love seems thwarted when our longing is not fulfilled.
Look with tenderness on us, O God.
Let the disappointment that hangs over us be lifted by the joy of your touch.
Give us the patience that will re-build hope
as we wait for the fullness of our love in the high calling of parenthood.
We ask this for the sake of your love. Amen
Monday, April 25, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Bringing this over from my weight loss blog...
This is a post from my weight loss blog but it really goes along with all of this IF stuff so I decided to repost it here as well.
My ultimate goal with this weight loss journey is to lose enough to be able to get pregnant. We have known for a few months now that we are dealing with infertility. We are waiting for one more test to come back but otherwise it is fairly certain we will have to do IVF. (ETA: That test came back, and we will definitely have to do IVF)
Yesterday was our first visit with the fertility clinic. I know that being obese can make pregnancy more difficult and it can cause difficulties with the IVF itself. I want to be as healthy as possible before we do IVF so it has the best chance at working because we are paying for it entire out of pocket (our insurance does not cover IVF) and it has a price tag of $15,000 - $20,000 each try.
He said ideally a BMI below 30 is what they like to see, which is out of the obese category. I have a long way to go to get to that point so he said I really want to be at least in the 30s. My current BMI is 41. When I started this journey my BMI was 45 so I am down 4 points so far.
To get below 40 I need to lose 8 more pounds (232 pounds).
To get below 35 I need to lose 37 more pounds (203 pounds).
To get below 30 I need to lose 66 more pounds (174 pounds).
Since we have to pay for IVF ourselves we probably won't be able to try until the end of this year at the very earliest. That gives me at least 36 more weeks to lose this weight. If I want to lose 65 pounds by then, that is a loss of just under 2 pounds a week. This is 100% doable if I just stick with it.
He suggested a low carb low sugar type of diet. I definitely think I need to do a diet overhaul. I am not willing to give up certain foods because I know myself and that will just set me up for a binge, but I can make smarter choices. Even though I have been doing weight watchers and sticking to my points, I have not been eating well. I eat whatever I want as long as I don't go over my points. Honestly, that is what I love about the plan. But I need to make a few adjustments.
I can start eating whole wheat bread and pasta instead of white. I won't give up potatoes but I can eat them less often. I also need to eat more veggies and fruits. These are hard for me because I am an extremely picky eater. This is another thing I need to work on. The last thing I am going to do is cut down on my soda drinking and drink more water. I drink tons of water at work but when I am at home I drink diet soda. I gave soda up completely a couple years ago no problem but somewhere along the way started back up again. I only drink diet but its still not good for you!
I am going to slowly incorporate these changes into my diet so hopefully I can stick with them. I just need to keep my eye on the prize: a baby for me and my husband
My ultimate goal with this weight loss journey is to lose enough to be able to get pregnant. We have known for a few months now that we are dealing with infertility. We are waiting for one more test to come back but otherwise it is fairly certain we will have to do IVF. (ETA: That test came back, and we will definitely have to do IVF)
Yesterday was our first visit with the fertility clinic. I know that being obese can make pregnancy more difficult and it can cause difficulties with the IVF itself. I want to be as healthy as possible before we do IVF so it has the best chance at working because we are paying for it entire out of pocket (our insurance does not cover IVF) and it has a price tag of $15,000 - $20,000 each try.
He said ideally a BMI below 30 is what they like to see, which is out of the obese category. I have a long way to go to get to that point so he said I really want to be at least in the 30s. My current BMI is 41. When I started this journey my BMI was 45 so I am down 4 points so far.
To get below 40 I need to lose 8 more pounds (232 pounds).
To get below 35 I need to lose 37 more pounds (203 pounds).
To get below 30 I need to lose 66 more pounds (174 pounds).
Since we have to pay for IVF ourselves we probably won't be able to try until the end of this year at the very earliest. That gives me at least 36 more weeks to lose this weight. If I want to lose 65 pounds by then, that is a loss of just under 2 pounds a week. This is 100% doable if I just stick with it.
He suggested a low carb low sugar type of diet. I definitely think I need to do a diet overhaul. I am not willing to give up certain foods because I know myself and that will just set me up for a binge, but I can make smarter choices. Even though I have been doing weight watchers and sticking to my points, I have not been eating well. I eat whatever I want as long as I don't go over my points. Honestly, that is what I love about the plan. But I need to make a few adjustments.
I can start eating whole wheat bread and pasta instead of white. I won't give up potatoes but I can eat them less often. I also need to eat more veggies and fruits. These are hard for me because I am an extremely picky eater. This is another thing I need to work on. The last thing I am going to do is cut down on my soda drinking and drink more water. I drink tons of water at work but when I am at home I drink diet soda. I gave soda up completely a couple years ago no problem but somewhere along the way started back up again. I only drink diet but its still not good for you!
I am going to slowly incorporate these changes into my diet so hopefully I can stick with them. I just need to keep my eye on the prize: a baby for me and my husband
Fertility Blend
Since we are currently on hold until we can save up enough money for IVF, S and I are trying to get healthier. One thing we decided to try is starting S on Fertility Blend for men. It is a combination of vitamins that is supposed to help with count and motility. We figure it can't hurt and might help. We know it won't change the fact we will have to do IVF but are hoping it will increase the count and quality some.
Earlier this year I had him taking several individual vitamins for about 3 months between his first and second SA's, and it did seem to help some. Even though his count is still extremely low, it did triple from the first to the second (50K to 175K) so we figured we might as well try while we are waiting. We are also trying to eat better, drink less caffeine, and exercise more.
Earlier this year I had him taking several individual vitamins for about 3 months between his first and second SA's, and it did seem to help some. Even though his count is still extremely low, it did triple from the first to the second (50K to 175K) so we figured we might as well try while we are waiting. We are also trying to eat better, drink less caffeine, and exercise more.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Infertility ABC's
I've seen this on a few of the blogs I follow so I figured I'd do it too!
A - Age at Which you Started TTC: 25
B - Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex
C - Children Wanted: Originally we wanted 2-3, but now will be happy with one or twins
D - Dogs/Cats/Fill In Babies: We have a beagle mix named Lily
E - Essential Oils/Vitamins: I take a prenatal vitamin; I started S on Fertility Blend for Men today
F - Fertility Meds I've Taken: None so far, but we will be doing IVF so there will be plenty coming!
G - Gain, What I have Gained from Infertility: It has brought me and my husband closer together
H - HSG: Nope, since we have to do IVF it just seems like a waste of money
I - Infertile Pet Peeve: That neither of our insurances cover IVF!
J - Job Title: Registered Nurse
K - Kids Names you are Afraid will be Taken: Emma and Brady are our top choices, and we will use them regardless if anyone else does
L - Lengh of Time TTC - 20 months so far
M - Miscarriages: None, I have never been pregnant
N - Number of Times you have Swiched REs: We've only seen one and we don't really have any other options in our area
O - Overian Quality: Good as far as I know
P - POAS or Wait for AF: I usually wait for AF and only test if its late. When we do IVF I will wait for the beta
Q - Quote from an Obnoxious Fertile: "why don't you just have sex" when talking about IUI
S - Sperm: Extremely low count and zero motility
T - Time you Tried Naturally - 14 months before going to my OB for some initial testing, but technically we still are trying naturally until we can afford IVF, even though there is pretty much 0% chance that will happen
U - Uterus Quality: Good
V - Vagina: I have one
W - What Baby Stuff do you Already Have: Nothing, I am too paranoid to buy anything
X - Xtra, Xtra, Hear all about it! How many people know about your TTC Journey: Several of my coworkers, and now most of S's family knows. My family just knows we've been trying a while but don't know the full extent. We will probably tell them closer to when we are going to do IVF
Y - Yearly Exam: I need one, I am behind because my OB just said we would do it when I got pregnant.
Z - Zits: Ever since going off birth control I've been getting them again
A - Age at Which you Started TTC: 25
B - Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex
C - Children Wanted: Originally we wanted 2-3, but now will be happy with one or twins
D - Dogs/Cats/Fill In Babies: We have a beagle mix named Lily
E - Essential Oils/Vitamins: I take a prenatal vitamin; I started S on Fertility Blend for Men today
F - Fertility Meds I've Taken: None so far, but we will be doing IVF so there will be plenty coming!
G - Gain, What I have Gained from Infertility: It has brought me and my husband closer together
H - HSG: Nope, since we have to do IVF it just seems like a waste of money
I - Infertile Pet Peeve: That neither of our insurances cover IVF!
J - Job Title: Registered Nurse
K - Kids Names you are Afraid will be Taken: Emma and Brady are our top choices, and we will use them regardless if anyone else does
L - Lengh of Time TTC - 20 months so far
M - Miscarriages: None, I have never been pregnant
N - Number of Times you have Swiched REs: We've only seen one and we don't really have any other options in our area
O - Overian Quality: Good as far as I know
P - POAS or Wait for AF: I usually wait for AF and only test if its late. When we do IVF I will wait for the beta
Q - Quote from an Obnoxious Fertile: "why don't you just have sex" when talking about IUI
S - Sperm: Extremely low count and zero motility
T - Time you Tried Naturally - 14 months before going to my OB for some initial testing, but technically we still are trying naturally until we can afford IVF, even though there is pretty much 0% chance that will happen
U - Uterus Quality: Good
V - Vagina: I have one
W - What Baby Stuff do you Already Have: Nothing, I am too paranoid to buy anything
X - Xtra, Xtra, Hear all about it! How many people know about your TTC Journey: Several of my coworkers, and now most of S's family knows. My family just knows we've been trying a while but don't know the full extent. We will probably tell them closer to when we are going to do IVF
Y - Yearly Exam: I need one, I am behind because my OB just said we would do it when I got pregnant.
Z - Zits: Ever since going off birth control I've been getting them again
Friday, April 22, 2011
Frustrated and hurt
Forgive me if this post is a bit scattered, my feelings are pretty raw right now. I just have to get this out.
Yesterday S had a long drawn out phone conversation with his mother. We don't live in the same state as the rest of his family so we don't see them very often. A little background on the discussion: S and I are going to Vegas in August. The main purpose of this vacation is to get away before we have to deal with IVF. Originally I thought it would be just us, but S told my parents and his sister and brother in law they could come if they wanted. I was somewhat upset about this at first because I had been planning on it just being us, but I got over it.
Then his mom tells us she and his step dad want to come too. Which would be fine but they were going to be watching our nephew who will be about 11 month old at the time of the trip. When S asked her about it she just said they would bring him with. Both S and I are not okay with that. First, who brings a baby to Vegas? Its smoky, nasty, and in August will be unbearably hot. Second, this vacation is to get away from all things baby. I am a postpartum nurse, I deal with babies every single day I work. Its so difficult I am considering looking for a new job. The last thing we want is to be around a baby when we are taking this vacation not to think about IF.
S told his sister we would rather they didn't bring the baby for the first reason I listed. She said they would make it work. He told her we wanted an adult vacation, she didn't care. So he finally told her about the IF reason and she flipped out, saying its her baby and she will bring him where ever she wants. You might remember from a previous post that my SIL and BIL also dealt with MFI, they tried for two years and were on their last chance of IUI's before trying IVF when they got pregnant with our nephew. So you would think she would have a little compassion for our situation, but no. How quickly she seems to have forgotten what it was like. I do understand that her world now revolves around her son, I do. But I wish she would try to see where we are coming from.
After this all went down, my parents ended up not being able to come and SIL and BIL backed out because they have another vacation to visit BIL's daughter (from a previous relationship) and claim they cannot afford both.
So anyway, back to yesterday. S confronts MIL that he knows BIL and SIL are lying about being able to afford it and MIL says its true. She says we hurt BILs feelings when we originally said we didn't want nephew to come (before anything even came out about the IF). Apparently we hurt him because his son is his world. They didn't want to tell S because he is "too sensitive".
Now they are claiming that apparently I don't love our nephew. WTF. Its complete BS. We only see them two or three times a year and apparently when we were down there last I didn't hold him enough for their liking. Even though when we do go down there they don't really let us hold him. BIL actually was whining once when I wanted to hold him that he hadn't gotten to hold him yet. So how is that my fault?
I have social anxiety so its hard for me to be around them anyway. They do not make anything easy on me and are constantly judging me. Nothing I do is good enough for them. S is LIVID. We make so many sacrifices for them. This Vegas vacation is the only vacation we have ever taken besides our honeymoon. All other vacation time is spent going down to see his family. They NEVER come up to see us. S has lived here for 11 years and his sister has come up twice, and once was for our wedding. We go down there twice a year. This year I will have to work extra weekends just so I can get the time off to go down there. They have no trouble taking their own vacations, but when we try to get them to come see us they won't.
The irrational side of me want to say fine, maybe we don't have to come down over Christmas anymore. I'd be okay with a Florida vacation that time of year instead. F*ck it. I clearly don't love my nephew anyway so why bother spending Christmas with them. Or maybe we can't afford to make the trip down to see them, since we have to save up about $20,000 for IVF now.
I am so pissed off right now. I can't even think straight. Right now I am just glad they live so far away so I don't have to deal with them on a regular basis. Maybe I am overreacting but they seriously crossed the line with us.
Yesterday S had a long drawn out phone conversation with his mother. We don't live in the same state as the rest of his family so we don't see them very often. A little background on the discussion: S and I are going to Vegas in August. The main purpose of this vacation is to get away before we have to deal with IVF. Originally I thought it would be just us, but S told my parents and his sister and brother in law they could come if they wanted. I was somewhat upset about this at first because I had been planning on it just being us, but I got over it.
Then his mom tells us she and his step dad want to come too. Which would be fine but they were going to be watching our nephew who will be about 11 month old at the time of the trip. When S asked her about it she just said they would bring him with. Both S and I are not okay with that. First, who brings a baby to Vegas? Its smoky, nasty, and in August will be unbearably hot. Second, this vacation is to get away from all things baby. I am a postpartum nurse, I deal with babies every single day I work. Its so difficult I am considering looking for a new job. The last thing we want is to be around a baby when we are taking this vacation not to think about IF.
S told his sister we would rather they didn't bring the baby for the first reason I listed. She said they would make it work. He told her we wanted an adult vacation, she didn't care. So he finally told her about the IF reason and she flipped out, saying its her baby and she will bring him where ever she wants. You might remember from a previous post that my SIL and BIL also dealt with MFI, they tried for two years and were on their last chance of IUI's before trying IVF when they got pregnant with our nephew. So you would think she would have a little compassion for our situation, but no. How quickly she seems to have forgotten what it was like. I do understand that her world now revolves around her son, I do. But I wish she would try to see where we are coming from.
After this all went down, my parents ended up not being able to come and SIL and BIL backed out because they have another vacation to visit BIL's daughter (from a previous relationship) and claim they cannot afford both.
So anyway, back to yesterday. S confronts MIL that he knows BIL and SIL are lying about being able to afford it and MIL says its true. She says we hurt BILs feelings when we originally said we didn't want nephew to come (before anything even came out about the IF). Apparently we hurt him because his son is his world. They didn't want to tell S because he is "too sensitive".
Now they are claiming that apparently I don't love our nephew. WTF. Its complete BS. We only see them two or three times a year and apparently when we were down there last I didn't hold him enough for their liking. Even though when we do go down there they don't really let us hold him. BIL actually was whining once when I wanted to hold him that he hadn't gotten to hold him yet. So how is that my fault?
I have social anxiety so its hard for me to be around them anyway. They do not make anything easy on me and are constantly judging me. Nothing I do is good enough for them. S is LIVID. We make so many sacrifices for them. This Vegas vacation is the only vacation we have ever taken besides our honeymoon. All other vacation time is spent going down to see his family. They NEVER come up to see us. S has lived here for 11 years and his sister has come up twice, and once was for our wedding. We go down there twice a year. This year I will have to work extra weekends just so I can get the time off to go down there. They have no trouble taking their own vacations, but when we try to get them to come see us they won't.
The irrational side of me want to say fine, maybe we don't have to come down over Christmas anymore. I'd be okay with a Florida vacation that time of year instead. F*ck it. I clearly don't love my nephew anyway so why bother spending Christmas with them. Or maybe we can't afford to make the trip down to see them, since we have to save up about $20,000 for IVF now.
I am so pissed off right now. I can't even think straight. Right now I am just glad they live so far away so I don't have to deal with them on a regular basis. Maybe I am overreacting but they seriously crossed the line with us.
Normal :(
The hormonal test they did on S came back normal. Which means we have no known reason for his MFI. It also means now we have to start saving up for IVF. I should have never gotten my hopes up.
Monday, April 18, 2011
RE Appointment
This morning we met with Dr Y at the fertility clinic in town. It went fairly well, luckily we were pretty sure what he was going to say so nothing came as a shock to us. He is doing one more hormonal test on S and if that comes back abnormal there is medication he can take to try and fix it. If it comes back normal then we are looking at IVF with ICSI as our only option. He also said we might need to consider using testicular sperm depending on how things look when the time comes. That is a surgery for S, and although he is willing to do it I don't want to unless we have to. He also talked about the option of donor sperm but we told him we want exhaust all other options first.
We should have the test results on Thursday. I am praying it comes back abnormal and the medication can fix the problem. Otherwise we are officially labeled unexplained MFI and on to saving money like crazy so we can do IVF.
I am pretty proud to say I didn't cry at this appointment! :)
We should have the test results on Thursday. I am praying it comes back abnormal and the medication can fix the problem. Otherwise we are officially labeled unexplained MFI and on to saving money like crazy so we can do IVF.
I am pretty proud to say I didn't cry at this appointment! :)
Nervous
In just a few hours we have our first RE appointment. I am extremely nervous. Last night S and I were talking about it and of course I was crying. I love him so much, he is so optimistic that things will be ok. He did confide in me that he is worried that he will be letting me and my parents down if we can't get pregnant. I only have one sister and she has three boys and is done. My parents really want a granddaughter so we are their only hope for that. I hate that he worries about this. I tell him all the time that I don't blame him but I know he blames himself. This is just all so hard.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Sorry
I want to apologize for my last blog entry. I was so upset and it just all came out. I've had time to chill out and realize its not the end of the world. We do have options. We don't know what the RE will say, maybe there are things they will try before IVF. Honestly I am lucky to have any insurance coverage at all. And if we do have to do IVF, we will just have to save up for it. It might just take longer than we had planned. Or we could always finance part of our IVF. Things are not going as I had hoped but they could always be worse.
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