I am in a major funk. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I have been so crabby and moody the past few weeks. I feel awful for my husband because I am sure I suck to be around right now. Every day I have to go to work I completely dread it. I don't feel like being around anyone. Yesterday I was so crabby I decided to hang out alone in bed rather than be out in the living room with S. I just want to hide out somewhere and cry. I've been avoiding people as much as possible. I am freaking out over little things that really shouldn't bother me so much.
I even actually have some things to be proud of for once and all I can see is the negative. I have lost 23 pounds but I don't feel like I look any different and I still have so much more to lose that it doesn't even feel like a dent in the total number. I look at myself and I am disgusted. We have recently paid off a lot of debt, but I am so stressed about money all the time and the remainder of our debt and upcoming expenses related to IF. I feel like we will never be ahead.
Our first RE appointment is in a week and I am extremely nervous about it. I have no idea why, I feel like I know what to expect. I want to get things moving. But I am afraid. I am afraid they will find more things wrong. I am afraid they will tell us we have no options. All this time I have held out hope that even though our diagnosis is bad, at least we can do IVF. What if that isn't a possibility?
I feel like I am dangling by a thread and I am going to snap in a big way. I really need to pull myself together.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
ABC Survey
This post has nothing to do with IF but I am bored so I am posting it anyway :)
A. Age: 27
B. Bed size: Queen
C. Chore you hate: Sweeping and scrubbing the floors
D. Dogs: I love them! We have a beagle-mix named Lily
E. Essential start to your day: Breakfast! Otherwise I get lightheaded
F. Favourite colors: Blue and purple
G. Gold or silver: White gold
H. Height: 5' 4"
I. Instruments you play: I can play the piano, clarinet, and drums
J. Job title: Registered Nurse
K. Kids: Hopefully someday soon
L. Live: Life to its fullest
M. Mom’s name: Candy
N. Nicknames: None currently, used to be Nellie
O. Overnight hospital stays: None unless you count working overnights :)
P. Pet peeve: People who are lazy at work!!
Q. Quote from a movie: "What's with today, today?" Empire Records
R. Right or left handed: I'm a righty
S. Siblings: One sister, older
T. Time you wake up: When I work about 4-5pm. When I don't work it varies greatly
U. Underwear: Bikini style
V. Vegetable you dislike: Peas
W. What makes you run late: My husband!
X. X-Rays you’ve had: Back, right foot, chest, teeth
Y. Yummy food you make: Chicken alfredo and scalloped potatoes with ham are my specialties
Z. Zoo- favourite animal: Frogs
A. Age: 27
B. Bed size: Queen
C. Chore you hate: Sweeping and scrubbing the floors
D. Dogs: I love them! We have a beagle-mix named Lily
E. Essential start to your day: Breakfast! Otherwise I get lightheaded
F. Favourite colors: Blue and purple
G. Gold or silver: White gold
H. Height: 5' 4"
I. Instruments you play: I can play the piano, clarinet, and drums
J. Job title: Registered Nurse
K. Kids: Hopefully someday soon
L. Live: Life to its fullest
M. Mom’s name: Candy
N. Nicknames: None currently, used to be Nellie
O. Overnight hospital stays: None unless you count working overnights :)
P. Pet peeve: People who are lazy at work!!
Q. Quote from a movie: "What's with today, today?" Empire Records
R. Right or left handed: I'm a righty
S. Siblings: One sister, older
T. Time you wake up: When I work about 4-5pm. When I don't work it varies greatly
U. Underwear: Bikini style
V. Vegetable you dislike: Peas
W. What makes you run late: My husband!
X. X-Rays you’ve had: Back, right foot, chest, teeth
Y. Yummy food you make: Chicken alfredo and scalloped potatoes with ham are my specialties
Z. Zoo- favourite animal: Frogs
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Happy Birthday to me
Well today is my birthday, 27 years old. If I could have one wish for my birthday this year it would be that I be pregnant by my next one. Please God let this be our year!
Myths and Facts about the big IF
April 24-30 is National Infertility Awareness Week. Here are some myths and facts regarding infertility I pulled from RESOLVE.
Myth: Infertility is a women's problem.
Fact: This is untrue. It surprises most people to learn that infertility is a female problem in 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up.
Myth: Everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.
Fact: More than 7.3 million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. When you seek support, you will find that you are not alone. Join RESOLVE, a support group, or talk with others who are struggling to build a family, so that you won't feel isolated.
Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!
Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.
Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.
Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.
Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!
Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.
Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!
Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. But choosing how to build your family is a very personal decision. Learning about all the ways to build a family can open your eyes to options you may not have thought of as a possibility. Education is key to finding resolution.
Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!
Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.
Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility.
Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.
Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!
Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.
Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.
Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.
Myth: I shouldn't take a month off from infertility treatment for any reason... I just know that this next month will be THE one!
Fact: It is important periodically to reassess your treatment and your parenting goal. Continuity in treatment is important, but sometimes a break can provide needed rest and renewal for the next steps.
Myth: I'll be labeled a 'trouble maker' if I ask too many questions.
Fact: The physician/patient team is important. You need to be informed about what treatments are available. What is right for one couple may not be right for another, either physically, financially, or emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask questions of your doctor.
A second opinion can be helpful. If needed, discuss this option with your physician.
Myth: I know I'll never be able to stop treatment until I have a pregnancy.
Fact: Pregnancy is not the only pathway to parenthood. You may begin to think more about parenthood than about pregnancy. You may long for your life to get back to normal. You may consider childfree living or begin to think of other ways to build a family.
Myth: I've lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same!
Fact: Infertility is a life crisis -- it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences.
Myth: Infertility is a women's problem.
Fact: This is untrue. It surprises most people to learn that infertility is a female problem in 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up.
Myth: Everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.
Fact: More than 7.3 million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. When you seek support, you will find that you are not alone. Join RESOLVE, a support group, or talk with others who are struggling to build a family, so that you won't feel isolated.
Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!
Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.
Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.
Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.
Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!
Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.
Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!
Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. But choosing how to build your family is a very personal decision. Learning about all the ways to build a family can open your eyes to options you may not have thought of as a possibility. Education is key to finding resolution.
Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!
Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.
Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility.
Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.
Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!
Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.
Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.
Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.
Myth: I shouldn't take a month off from infertility treatment for any reason... I just know that this next month will be THE one!
Fact: It is important periodically to reassess your treatment and your parenting goal. Continuity in treatment is important, but sometimes a break can provide needed rest and renewal for the next steps.
Myth: I'll be labeled a 'trouble maker' if I ask too many questions.
Fact: The physician/patient team is important. You need to be informed about what treatments are available. What is right for one couple may not be right for another, either physically, financially, or emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask questions of your doctor.
A second opinion can be helpful. If needed, discuss this option with your physician.
Myth: I know I'll never be able to stop treatment until I have a pregnancy.
Fact: Pregnancy is not the only pathway to parenthood. You may begin to think more about parenthood than about pregnancy. You may long for your life to get back to normal. You may consider childfree living or begin to think of other ways to build a family.
Myth: I've lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same!
Fact: Infertility is a life crisis -- it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Baby Showers
Something I am sure any infertile woman dreads is the baby shower. I recently went to one for my cousin who is due next month. I honestly tried to think of an excuse as to why I couldn't come, but decided to buck up and just go. I handled myself well. God must have been watching out for me because no one asked me if I was next or the typical questions like that. I even sat there and listened to my cousin, my sister, and another cousin talk about how they all got pregnant on the first try. Must be freaking nice! Luckily no one else I know is currently pregnant so no more baby showers for a while!
The next day my mom and I went out for brunch. Now, I haven't told her any of what we are going through. She knows we have been trying for a while and I wonder if she suspects we are having troubles because she will mention people she knows who have dealt with IF or articles she has read, etc. When we were out to brunch she asked if its hard for me to go to baby showers when we are trying to get pregnant. I wanted to say yes but I couldn't. I don't want to come across as bitter and jealous (even if I really am!). I really need to tell my family what we are going through, but I have no idea how to go about it! I keep putting it off. Right now I think maybe once we meet with the RE and have a plan we will tell them. It would be nice to have their support but I also don't want to put them through what we have been through.
Infertility sucks!!
The next day my mom and I went out for brunch. Now, I haven't told her any of what we are going through. She knows we have been trying for a while and I wonder if she suspects we are having troubles because she will mention people she knows who have dealt with IF or articles she has read, etc. When we were out to brunch she asked if its hard for me to go to baby showers when we are trying to get pregnant. I wanted to say yes but I couldn't. I don't want to come across as bitter and jealous (even if I really am!). I really need to tell my family what we are going through, but I have no idea how to go about it! I keep putting it off. Right now I think maybe once we meet with the RE and have a plan we will tell them. It would be nice to have their support but I also don't want to put them through what we have been through.
Infertility sucks!!
Friday, April 1, 2011
Appointment is set
For the RE that is. S's urologist finally set us up with the referral to the fertility clinic and we will be going on April 18th. I am extremely nervous. Now that we know how difficult it will be for us ever to get pregnant due to S's problem, I am just praying that there is no problem with me as well. I have held off on further testing on me while we tried to figure out what was going on with S, but now we will have to continue my testing. In my mind I am thinking that if there are no problems with me that IVF should work for us. I don't know what makes me think that, obviously we need to wait and see what the RE says about our situation.
I do have an insurance question if anyone knows the answer. S is not on my insurance. His insurance does not cover infertility. Mine does. Since it is his Dr that referred us to the RE, will everything be denied? Since we will probably have to do IVF that will be under my insurance, right? Do I need to get a referral from my Dr to continue my testing with the RE (or does his referral work for both of us)? I plan to call my insurance company next week but I thought I'd see if anyone has any experience with this type of thing. I am kicking myself for not putting him on my insurance! My insurance sucks otherwise and we thought it would be best to not bother putting him on mine. I am on both mine and his thankfully.
I do have an insurance question if anyone knows the answer. S is not on my insurance. His insurance does not cover infertility. Mine does. Since it is his Dr that referred us to the RE, will everything be denied? Since we will probably have to do IVF that will be under my insurance, right? Do I need to get a referral from my Dr to continue my testing with the RE (or does his referral work for both of us)? I plan to call my insurance company next week but I thought I'd see if anyone has any experience with this type of thing. I am kicking myself for not putting him on my insurance! My insurance sucks otherwise and we thought it would be best to not bother putting him on mine. I am on both mine and his thankfully.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I knew this would happen
Yesterday I was checking S's insurance website to view our claims. The claims for the most recent round of testing came through and they were all denied. That's over $1400 of testing. Testing that the financial woman at the clinic stated she got approved. S called and she gave him the proper codes and is having him call the insurance company to follow up so hopefully it will get straightened out but I have a feeling we will end up having to pay it. It makes me so mad though because we were told it was approved. We might not have done the expensive tests if we had known they might not have been approved. It is just so frustrating. We have already paid close to $1000 for testing not including this current $1400 and we still are no closer to any answers or getting pregnant.
We also got the last of the test results in, all negative. So we have absolutely know idea why we are dealing with MFI. I just wish we had an answer! I hate that "sometimes these things just happen" is our reason for not being able to have children naturally. We still haven't been to the RE and honestly I am thinking of waiting a bit. I just can't take more bad news and I am to the point where I am no longer expecting any good news.
I am so down in the dumps today. I am ready for a vacation. I just need to get away from it all and stop thinking about it! August cannot come soon enough.
We also got the last of the test results in, all negative. So we have absolutely know idea why we are dealing with MFI. I just wish we had an answer! I hate that "sometimes these things just happen" is our reason for not being able to have children naturally. We still haven't been to the RE and honestly I am thinking of waiting a bit. I just can't take more bad news and I am to the point where I am no longer expecting any good news.
I am so down in the dumps today. I am ready for a vacation. I just need to get away from it all and stop thinking about it! August cannot come soon enough.
Another blogger award!
- Thank and link back to the person who gave me this award. G at My Ramblings presented me with the award. Thanks so much!
- Share 7 things about yourself
- Award other bloggers (you determine who and how many)
- Contact these blogs and tell them about the award
Now for 7 things about myself:
~I have severe social anxiety. I even have anxiety talking to family and friends. The only person I am 100% comfortable talking to is my husband, and I love him so much for that.
~I treat my dog like she is my child. I don't know what I will do once we have children, I worry about how that will effect her.
~I watched all 6 seasons of Lost during an 8 day stretch off work a few weeks ago :)
~All my life I wanted to be a doctor or a surgeon. The reason I am not is because of my first thing in this list
~I cannot sleep unless I am laying on my stomach, and I have to have an extremely flat pillow. I do not understand how people can sleep with more than one pillow or fluffy pillows.
~I used to be anorexic, though you could never tell by looking at me now. I went from one obsession (not eating at all) to the extreme opposite (compulsive overeating). I am currently trying to find some balance in my life. I have a very compulsive personality.
~I have never had a pedicure
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Maybe we'll never know
We got more of S's blood test results back today. They were testing for chromosomal/genetic issues. The results were all normal. Which is great news, of course. We are still waiting for one more test to come back. However, this all has gotten me thinking, maybe we will never find an answer. S has hoped all this time that there will be a reason he has MFI that can be fixed. I have been less optimistic, as I tend to be pessimistic by nature. But as each and every test result comes back normal I am really starting to believe we will never know why this is happening. As much as I didn't think we would be able to fix the problem, I was hoping for a reason to all this. Some sort of explanation as to why we have to go through all this. I just want to understand.
Our Dr is out of town for the rest of the week but we are hoping to get the rest of the results when he gets back. S also asked the nurse to have him set us up with the fertility clinic finally. I am ready to move on and truly find out what our options are.
Our Dr is out of town for the rest of the week but we are hoping to get the rest of the results when he gets back. S also asked the nurse to have him set us up with the fertility clinic finally. I am ready to move on and truly find out what our options are.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
People are stupid
This post is a vent, so take that as a warning.
I was at work last night and a fellow coworker and I were discussing our infertility treatments and plans. She also is dealing with MFI and is getting ready for her third IUI. We were discussing IUI and IVF. Another coworker was there with us and said "Can't you guys just have sex?"
Really?! So THAT is what we have been doing wrong. I had no freaking idea you had to have sex in order to get pregnant. We'll have to try that this month. I thought everyone paid around $20k just to have a baby. Who knew all we had to do was have sex. Or get drunk and have sex, which is what she did. I wanted to smack her across the face but just chose to ignore it since we were at work and just said that it doesn't work that way for some people. I hate people.
I need a freaking drink.
I was at work last night and a fellow coworker and I were discussing our infertility treatments and plans. She also is dealing with MFI and is getting ready for her third IUI. We were discussing IUI and IVF. Another coworker was there with us and said "Can't you guys just have sex?"
Really?! So THAT is what we have been doing wrong. I had no freaking idea you had to have sex in order to get pregnant. We'll have to try that this month. I thought everyone paid around $20k just to have a baby. Who knew all we had to do was have sex. Or get drunk and have sex, which is what she did. I wanted to smack her across the face but just chose to ignore it since we were at work and just said that it doesn't work that way for some people. I hate people.
I need a freaking drink.
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