Frustrated and hurt

Forgive me if this post is a bit scattered, my feelings are pretty raw right now. I just have to get this out.

Yesterday S had a long drawn out phone conversation with his mother. We don't live in the same state as the rest of his family so we don't see them very often. A little background on the discussion: S and I are going to Vegas in August. The main purpose of this vacation is to get away before we have to deal with IVF. Originally I thought it would be just us, but S told my parents and his sister and brother in law they could come if they wanted. I was somewhat upset about this at first because I had been planning on it just being us, but I got over it.

Then his mom tells us she and his step dad want to come too. Which would be fine but they were going to be watching our nephew who will be about 11 month old at the time of the trip. When S asked her about it she just said they would bring him with. Both S and I are not okay with that. First, who brings a baby to Vegas? Its smoky, nasty, and in August will be unbearably hot. Second, this vacation is to get away from all things baby. I am a postpartum nurse, I deal with babies every single day I work. Its so difficult I am considering looking for a new job. The last thing we want is to be around a baby when we are taking this vacation not to think about IF.

S told his sister we would rather they didn't bring the baby for the first reason I listed. She said they would make it work. He told her we wanted an adult vacation, she didn't care. So he finally told her about the IF reason and she flipped out, saying its her baby and she will bring him where ever she wants. You might remember from a previous post that my SIL and BIL also dealt with MFI, they tried for two years and were on their last chance of IUI's before trying IVF when they got pregnant with our nephew. So you would think she would have a little compassion for our situation, but no. How quickly she seems to have forgotten what it was like. I do understand that her world now revolves around her son, I do. But I wish she would try to see where we are coming from.

After this all went down, my parents ended up not being able to come and SIL and BIL backed out because they have another vacation to visit BIL's daughter (from a previous relationship) and claim they cannot afford both.

So anyway, back to yesterday.  S confronts MIL that he knows BIL and SIL are lying about being able to afford it and MIL says its true. She says we hurt BILs feelings when we originally said we didn't want nephew to come (before anything even came out about the IF). Apparently we hurt him because his son is his world. They didn't want to tell S because he is "too sensitive".

Now they are claiming that apparently I don't love our nephew. WTF. Its complete BS.  We only see them two or three times a year and apparently when we were down there last I didn't hold him enough for their liking. Even though when we do go down there they don't really let us hold him. BIL actually was whining once when I wanted to hold him that he hadn't gotten to hold him yet.  So how is that my fault?

I have social anxiety so its hard for me to be around them anyway. They do not make anything easy on me and are constantly judging me. Nothing I do is good enough for them. S is LIVID. We make so many sacrifices for them. This Vegas vacation is the only vacation we have ever taken besides our honeymoon. All other vacation time is spent going down to see his family. They NEVER come up to see us. S has lived here for 11 years and his sister has come up twice, and once was for our wedding. We go down there twice a year. This year I will have to work extra weekends just so I can get the time off to go down there. They have no trouble taking their own vacations, but when we try to get them to come see us they won't.

The irrational side of me want to say fine, maybe we don't have to come down over Christmas anymore. I'd be okay with a Florida vacation that time of year instead. F*ck it. I clearly don't love my nephew anyway so why bother spending Christmas with them.  Or maybe we can't afford to make the trip down to see them, since we have to save up about $20,000 for IVF now.

I am so pissed off right now. I can't even think straight. Right now I am just glad they live so far away so I don't have to deal with them on a regular basis. Maybe I am overreacting but they seriously crossed the line with us.

Normal :(

The hormonal test they did on S came back normal. Which means we have no known reason for his MFI. It also means now we have to start saving up for IVF.  I should have never gotten my hopes up.

Just a little light reading...

Fun times all around!

RE Appointment

This morning we met with Dr Y at the fertility clinic in town. It went fairly well, luckily we were pretty sure what he was going to say so nothing came as a shock to us. He is doing one more hormonal test on S and if that comes back abnormal there is medication he can take to try and fix it. If it comes back normal then we are looking at IVF with ICSI as our only option. He also said we might need to consider using testicular sperm depending on how things look when the time comes. That is a surgery for S, and although he is willing to do it I don't want to unless we have to. He also talked about the option of donor sperm but we told him we want exhaust all other options first.

We should have the test results on Thursday. I am praying it comes back abnormal and the medication can fix the problem. Otherwise we are officially labeled unexplained MFI and on to saving money like crazy so we can do IVF.

I am pretty proud to say I didn't cry at this appointment! :)

Nervous

In just a few hours we have our first RE appointment. I am extremely nervous. Last night S and I were talking about it and of course I was crying. I love him so much, he is so optimistic that things will be ok. He did confide in me that he is worried that he will be letting me and my parents down if we can't get pregnant. I only have one sister and she has three boys and is done. My parents really want a granddaughter so we are their only hope for that. I hate that he worries about this. I tell him all the time that I don't blame him but I know he blames himself.  This is just all so hard.

Sorry

I want to apologize for my last blog entry. I was so upset and it just all came out. I've had time to chill out and realize its not the end of the world. We do have options. We don't know what the RE will say, maybe there are things they will try before IVF. Honestly I am lucky to have any insurance coverage at all. And if we do have to do IVF, we will just have to save up for it. It might just take longer than we had planned. Or we could always finance part of our IVF.  Things are not going as I had hoped but they could always be worse.

F*ck.

Well, I finally got around to calling my insurance company. They don't cover IVF, which is most likely our only option. F*ck. We cannot afford IVF right now and it will probably take us close to a year to save up for it. I feel so defeated. I am praying that we will find out we have more options than I think come our appointment on Monday with the RE.

Down in the dumps

I am in a major funk. I have no idea what is wrong with me. I have been so crabby and moody the past few weeks.  I feel awful for my husband because I am sure I suck to be around right now. Every day I have to go to work I completely dread it. I don't feel like being around anyone. Yesterday I was so crabby I decided to hang out alone in bed rather than be out in the living room with S. I just want to hide out somewhere and cry.  I've been avoiding people as much as possible. I am freaking out over little things that really shouldn't bother me so much.

I even actually have some things to be proud of for once and all I can see is the negative. I have lost 23 pounds but I don't feel like I look any different and I still have so much more to lose that it doesn't even feel like a dent in the total number. I look at myself and I am disgusted. We have recently paid off a lot of debt, but I am so stressed about money all the time and the remainder of our debt and upcoming expenses related to IF.  I feel like we will never be ahead.

Our first RE appointment is in a week and I am extremely nervous about it. I have no idea why, I feel like I know what to expect. I want to get things moving. But I am afraid. I am afraid they will find more things wrong. I am afraid they will tell us we have no options. All this time I have held out hope that even though our diagnosis is bad, at least we can do IVF. What if that isn't a possibility?

I feel like I am dangling by a thread and I am going to snap in a big way. I really need to pull myself together.

ABC Survey

This post has nothing to do with IF but I am bored so I am posting it anyway :)

A. Age: 27
B. Bed size: Queen
C. Chore you hate: Sweeping and scrubbing the floors
D. Dogs: I love them! We have a beagle-mix named Lily
E. Essential start to your day: Breakfast! Otherwise I get lightheaded 
F. Favourite colors: Blue and purple
G. Gold or silver: White gold
H. Height: 5' 4"
I. Instruments you play:  I can play the piano, clarinet, and drums
J. Job title: Registered Nurse
K. Kids: Hopefully someday soon
L. Live: Life to its fullest
M. Mom’s name:  Candy
N. Nicknames: None currently, used to be Nellie
O. Overnight hospital stays: None unless you count working overnights :)
P. Pet peeve: People who are lazy at work!!
Q. Quote from a movie: "What's with today, today?" Empire Records
R. Right or left handed: I'm a righty
S. Siblings: One sister, older
T. Time you wake up: When I work about 4-5pm. When I don't work it varies greatly
U. Underwear: Bikini style
V. Vegetable you dislike: Peas
W. What makes you run late:  My husband!
X. X-Rays you’ve had:  Back, right foot, chest, teeth
Y. Yummy food you make: Chicken alfredo and scalloped potatoes with ham are my specialties
Z. Zoo- favourite animal: Frogs

Happy Birthday to me

Well today is my birthday, 27 years old. If I could have one wish for my birthday this year it would be that I be pregnant by my next one. Please God let this be our year!