Happy Birthday!

Happy birthday to my amazing husband! He has been my rock through this all and I don't know what I would do without him. I love him so much!

Defeated

Yesterday we had the follow up with the urologist. He basically confirmed what we had already figured, the SA results were bad again. There is one more test they want to run but first they are trying to deal with our insurance to see if they will pay for it. We are pretty sure that they will not pay. Dr M is also referring us to the fertility clinic in town (MIF). Once we hear back from them we will set up our initial appointment. He also suggested we see the only urologist in the state who specializes in male factor infertility. The only problem is that this urologist is 2 hours away and I'm not sure its possible for us to get there with our work schedules.

I am hoping we get some better news when we meet with the Dr at MIF. Dr M did not seem very optimistic for us. I ended up losing it in the office, and that made S cry as well. The poor Dr had to comfort us. This is all just so difficult and overwhelming. I would love some good news or some glimmer of hope for once. This whole thing is making me feel so defeated. Why is something that people do every day so freaking difficult for us? What did we do to deserve this?

Dr M brought up the subject of donor sperm. This is something I've been avoiding talking about. I am honestly not sure how I feel about it and S isn't really sure about it either. I am hoping it ends up being something we don't have to consider, but we may have to eventually. S said if we had to he would want one of the men in his family donate. I honestly feel weird about that. I personally would rather have an anonymous donor. I feel like if it is someone we know we will always have that reminder. Plus, if we use a random donor, no one ever has to know. Hopefully if it ever comes down to that S and I can come to an agreement.

No news is bad news

The nurse from the urologist office finally called us back. She would not give us the specific results but simply said everything is low. Now we need to meet with Dr M again on Friday to figure out where to go from here. S said he just wants to move on to IVF and stop with all the testing and waiting. I would love to do this but I really want to lose weight before we do IVF. I'd like to lose 50 pounds and so far am down 13 pounds. Obviously we will have to see what Dr M says but I feel like we might as well try whatever he suggests to get better numbers in the meantime while I am losing the weight. After our appointment on Friday I will probably give the RE a call and set up an initial consultation with them. This sucks. We were both hoping the original SA results were a fluke, even though we knew the odds of that were small.

In addition to that, I hurt my back yesterday. No exercise for me for a few days and I had to take 2 nights off work. I currently have no PTO so that is two days unpaid. Which really sucks because we need to start saving money for IVF. On the plus side, I get to be on Vicodin which is lovely :) lol

Frustrated!

S had his repeat SA two weeks ago and we have not heard back with the results. We have called 3 times now and not received a call back. This is so frustrating! We can't do anything but wait. We had the results from the first SA my ob-gyn did in 2 days.  This one went to the same lab so the results should be in. The urologist just hasn't called us back. I had been pretty impressed with them so far but now I am just ticked off. 

C25K

This week I started doing the C25K (couch to 5K) running program. Basically it starts you off with intervals of running and walking, increasing the running each week until you can run 30 minutes straight. I tried this program a month ago and pulled a muscle the very first day and was out of commission for several days. I felt like I was going to die the whole time too.

This time it was relatively easy! I must be getting in slightly better shape. I have done all 3 days this week, without stopping ever. I am not sure if I will move on to week 2 or do each week twice before moving on. I don't want to overdo it since I am so heavy.  As of today I am down 8.2 pounds, but I won't "officially" weigh in until Monday.

In IF-related news, currently we are just waiting on the SA results from Thursday. The pamphlet says 2-3 working days so I am expecting they will be back Monday or Tuesday. I am very anxious to hear the results and meet with Dr. M again. Hopefully we will have a plan soon!

Bloodwork

Results are in for S's bloodwork. So far everything is normal, so now we just need to wait for the SA and semen fructose levels. We don't know the actual numbers yet, they just left us a message. I am glad to know that the tests are normal but we are still no closer to figuring out what is going on.

Slightly irritated with the husband

Well, I thought that S would be doing his 2nd SA today.  And why would I think that? Couldn't be because he told me yesterday that he would. We had sex on Friday and I told him not to do anything else in case they wanted him to do his thing at his appointment yesterday. That would make today 4 days of abstinence, which is about right for the SA (the Dr said he would prefer 3-4 days).

This morning he gets home and has no intention of doing it today. He says he will do it Thursday. Big problem buddy, that will be more than 4 days, which will effect the results. Well apparently it won't, he couldn't keep his hands off himself so Thursday will be 4 days. I am so frustrated and irritated with him. I just want to get it done so we can get the results in and can figure out the game plan. He is in no hurry to get it done. I am trying to be understanding because I know this is hard on him, but its hard. He says he is willing to do whatever it takes. Then freaking do it!

I am also irritated that I told him not to do anything after we had sex on Friday but apparently he doesn't remember me saying that. Even if he didn't hear me, he KNOWS you need to abstain several days beforehand. A week ago he said he wanted to have at least 4 days to give the best sample possible.

We talked it out tonight so he knows how I feel. He told me he will do it tomorrow morning. Unfortunately he also needs to take his truck in for repairs in the morning so that probably won't work out either. So now we are looking at Thursday. If he doesn't take care of it on Thursday we might have a murder on our hands, lol. I know it is only a couple more days which is nothing in the grand scheme of things but I am just tired of all the waiting and don't want to drag it out even more than necessary. Plus, the lab only takes samples Mon-Thurs and nothing later than noon, so we are limited to when we can even do it.

I just want to get some answers so we can figure out a plan. Is that too much to ask??

ETA: I am fully aware I sound like a whiny brat in this post, but if I can't get it all out in my blog then where can I? :)

Testing... 1, 2, 3

Today was S's appointment with the urologist. We were worried about getting there because of the roads and I did NOT want to have to postpone. Luckily the roads were fine and we got there 30 minutes early and got in immediately. How often does that happen? Lol. We met with Dr M. He was very nice, great bedside manner which helped ease my mind.

S got a physical exam and good news is that he confirmed what the previous Dr said, no variocele. So we can officially cross that off the list. Then we got to head off to the lab to get some blood drawn. After wandering around the ENTIRE hospital we finally were able to find the area for blood draws. Considering I work at the hospital you'd think I would know where this stuff is, but I don't. Poor S had 4 vials of blood drawn (luckily neither of us mind needles and the tech was very good). They are testing his FSH, LH, Prolactin, and testosterone. Apparently I need to do some more research because I thought the first three of those tests were things that only affected the woman's fertility.

We also got the lovely specimen container for another SA and he is also checking semen fructose level, which is another something I hadn't heard of. So much for thinking I was well educated in this area! S plans to do this tomorrow morning. Once we get all the results in we have to meet with Dr M to discuss them. More waiting.

We had a good talk on the way home. S doesn't like to talk about his feelings (with regards to this IF stuff anyway) so I am glad when we actually talk about this and he opens up a little. He feels like he has let me down. I reassure him that he isn't but its hard to convince him. He knows how badly I want to be a mom and hates that he can't give that to me. I hate it too but as I tell him, he is the most important person in my life. I would rather be with him and childless than without him. I also reminded him that we do have options. We don't even know what is going on yet so we need to stay hopeful.

In better news, I am down 6.6 pounds in two weeks! Slowly but surely. I wish that number was higher but I will take anything. I would like to be down at least 50 pounds before we do IVF (if we have to). I am proud of myself though, I exercised 6 out of 7 days this week and worked out twice one of those days to make up for the day I missed. I also counted my WW points every day and stuck with them every day. I only used 13 of the 35 "extra" points for the week too. The only reason I used the ones I did was because we went out to eat yesterday.

Off to a slow start

I lost 3.2 pounds this week. I suppose it is better than nothing and is a start, but I wish the number had been higher. S and I did very poorly on our diets over the weekend, and I know that is what did it. We did so well during the week and then ruined it. That is an area we definitely need to work on.

Only one more week until the appointment with the urologist. I am getting nervous!

Goals

Since its New Year's Day I figured I would write about my goals for the year. I have two major goals for the year and both relate back to us trying to get pregnant.

Goal #1: To exercise and eat better
I have a lot of weight to lose. Considering the fact that we will probably have to do IVF to get me pregnant, I would like to be as healthy as possible when that occurs. I figure it will be several months before IVF is even a possibility so that will give me time to jump start my weight loss. I don't feel comfortable posting my actual weight, but my overall goal is to eventually lose 100 pounds. I will be happy with any loss though, because that will mean I am that much more healthy. S also needs to lose weight, and so we are going to work on this goal together. I am hoping that will make it easier for me.

Our plan: No more junk food in the house and watching our portions. S's downfall is chocolate and portions that are too large. My downfall is chips and snacking all day. I am going to use the Weight Watchers calculator on my phone and start counting points again. I lost 15 pounds this past summer doing that, so I know it works for me if I would just stick with it. I have since gained all that weight back. We also plan to start working out more. Since S will be on the same shift as me we plan to workout together when we get off work in the mornings.

Goal #2: To pay off our debt
We have a good chunk of credit card debt and two vehicle payments I am hoping to have paid off by the end of the year. If everything goes according to plan we should have the majority of the credit card debt paid off by May. Once that is all paid off we can start saving for IVF. I am not sure how much my insurance will pay toward IVF but I know we will need some savings. I really want our debt paid off before then though. It will be such a load off my mind having that paid off.

Our Plan: S gets a bonus in a couple weeks that will go toward two of the larger credit cards. I also hope to put $1K in savings so we have a little cushion if needed. I am doubtful that S's insurance will pay for much of his testing so we will need cash set aside for that. I am hoping our tax refund is about the same as last year and we will put that toward debt. S has another bonus coming in April and we hope to put our fence in with that and the remainder will go toward debt.  In addition to those things, we put about $750-$1000 toward debt each month from our regular earnings. My car should be paid off by August and hopefully S's truck will be paid off by the end of the year. We are planning on getting another vehicle at the beginning of next year so it will be nice to have our other two paid off before that happens.

These goals will give me something to obsess over besides our IF, so that will be a nice change of pace :)